Author Archives: Lateefah Wielenga, Ph.D.

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Happiness-who is responsible?

Happiness starts by taking personal responsibility. Unless you’re one that’s usually joyful, there are things you can do to have that euphoric feeling. Happiness is the attitude we take when approaching life and unforeseen environmental factors. Although good cheer may be something many seek, we can decide to experience it in much of what’s around us. If you’re having difficulties being happy, here are a four (4) steps to get you on your way.

Steps:

1)Start your day by claiming it – how do you want to experience it? (Dr. W.)

2)Look for the goodness that surrounds you. (Dr. W.)

3)Think positive thoughts

4)Surrender all your fears (by realizing you create them. Dr. W.)

Each day we awaken, we have the power to decide how we’ll react and interpret events. Our mind is a powerful tool that we can use to create serenity and peace, happiness and joy. We can also use it to visualize our dreams and capabilities. Having confidence in your abilities can bring you happiness.

If you begin thinking negative thoughts, ask yourself how the negative situation can become a positive one. It’s your responsibility to think the thoughts that bring you good feelings. To start your journey to happiness, remember that it takes practice. The ability to control your emotional responses, requires tranquility, peace and an active imagination. What do you really want in your life to look and feel like? If you currently experience emotional dilemmas while facing minor events, try following the four steps above. If that doesn’t help, perhaps it’s time to speak to a professional.

Here at The Coaching Kiva, Dr. Lateefah Wielenga can teach you how to maintain emotional positivity to face the bigger events in life. “Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it’s something you design for the present.” (Jim John)(Call a Professional today)

For a Free Discovery Session with Dr. Wielenga click the link below

http://coachingkiva.com/discovery-session/

The Coaching Kiva

     

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dr. Lateefah Wielenga

Your Bridge to a Life of Satisfaction and Fulfillment,

Email: drw@coachingkiva.com

Phone:(562) 895-0516

Article by Paul Newcombe (Dr. Wielenga contributed)

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When There’s a Communication Breakdown

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are you aware of, or do you see patterns you’d like to change in your communication-style? The way you convey a message (may be received as positive or negative) is affecting your relationships with coworkers, your significant other, and your family. “The single biggest problem in communication, is the illusion that it has taken place.” (George Bernard Shaw)

Making assumptions.Your words and body physiology have a secret language that can deliver the wrong message. We frequently see conflict arise from communication breakdowns. The root of the problem is unconscious messages given to others. The Coaching Kiva has identified 3 main complications in the area of miscommunication. Many people make these mistakes unknowingly.

1)Making assumptions.

People usually make assumptions because they’re afraid to ask. They don’t want to hear the answer they believe they’ll receive. Read, The Four Agreements, by don Miguel Ruiz: A Personal Guide to Freedom. (Dr. Wielenga)

2)Blaming each other.

When we’re afraid of consequences, or our ego takes control, we tend to blame others. Be mindful of how you’re feeling and why. (Dr. Wielenga)

3)Not listening to the other person.

Sometimes when this happens, the person who’s not listening is inside their head, considering what they’re going to say when it’s their turn to talk. Practice Active Listening. (Dr. Wielenga)

Survey

1) Do you try to control conversations?

Sometimes      Often      Never

 If you chose “sometimes” or “often”, Are you aware of this during the conversation? If so, do you have a motive? Do you feel nervous, tense, or a sense of urgency?

2) How do you feel when you meet a new person?

Uncomfortable    Shy       Confident

If you chose Uncomfortable or shy; Are you comparing yourself to the other person? How comfortable do you generally feel with others? Reflect on the emotions that you experience when this happens. Those are your trigger points.

3) Do you tend to hold back in conversations, or take a passive role because you lack confidence, or don’t know how to fully participate?

Sometimes     Often      Never

If you chose “sometime” or “often”, This may be an indication of your lack of self-esteem? (Talk to Dr. Wielenga if you are facing any of these challenges.)

Conclusion

When you’re having a hard time communicating with others, ask yourself if you’re the type that’s trying to prove your point, or are trying to develop a deeper connection. To effectively be a strong communicator you need to be an active listener, compromise, and have compassion for the recipient’s feelings. How do you relate to others?

For a Free Discovery Session with Dr. Wielenga click the link below

http://coachingkiva.com/discovery-session/

The Coaching Kiva

     

Dr. Lateefah Wielenga

Your Bridge to a Life of Satisfaction and Fulfillment,

Email: drw@coachingkiva.com

Phone:(562) 895-0516

Article by Paul Newcombe

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You are all you’ve got!

This week, the coaching Kiva is going to talk about the importance of staying true to yourself. There is one commonality that we all share; we start the journey alone, hence ending the journey alone. Our bodies are a vessel, the hands our instruments, and our heart is the gateway to eternity.

Unfortunately, losing yourself is one of the easiest things to do. Life’s path can seem narrow, be difficult, and overwhelming. Losing our insight of who we are is a dangerous thing. It’s in the low points in our lives that we truly discover who we are; but remember, you are all you’ve got! It’s very crucial to analyze yourself, and the 0direction you are heading – often. Are you currently struggling with a personal demon? Follow the 4 steps below.

Steps

1)Think about the type of person you want to be.

2)Don’t pay attention to others’ negative opinions of you.

3)Surround yourself with good, and successful people.

4)Love yourself.

Who are you?

Our ability to make personal choices can be very complex, because the appropriate path isn’t always clear. Our choices define who we are as a person, and what we value. The quickest way to get back on track is to evaluate your decisions within the past 6 months, and see if your values and choices match up to your goals.

Self-Confidence

In argument, self-confidence is the most important characteristic. As a shark can smell blood, people can sense the dubious indecision of the meek. Confidence enables us to conquer and evolve within our journey.

 

Healthy Affiliations

Have you ever heard the phrase-you are who you hang out with? The individuals we surround ourselves with can either make us or break us.

Love yourself

How can you expect others to love and value you if you don’t love yourself? Love yourself and embrace who you are. When you love and appreciate you, everything else will fall in place. You are all you’ve got! Remember?

(Talk to a professional today.)

For a Free Discovery Session with Dr. Wielenga click the link below

http://coachingkiva.com/discovery-session/

The Coaching Kiva

     

Dr. Lateefah Wielenga

Your Bridge to a Life of Satisfaction and Fulfillment,

Email: drw@coachingkiva.com

Phone:(562) 895-0516

Article by Paul Newcombe

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The Ease and Flow of Life

Life as we know it, is an unknown, mysterious force that breathes a fruitful yield and bittersweet dissolution. No matter what obstruent obstacle, life’s delicate heart beat will continue its rhythm to create the ease and flow of life.

In our existence, we are but humble students; a commonality in awaiting our destination-in the end.

Do you ever worry about where your life is heading? Do you stress what’s next? The viability of a person, is the ability to grow, and learn from the energy around us.A mortal lives not through that breath that flows in and that flows out. The source of his life is another and this causes the breath to flow.” (Paracelsus)

Viability

Life’s silent whisper gives us the ability to live under her ever-changing environment. The beauty of life is its uncertainty; the unknown of what will come next. She guarantees us a life full of adventure and life lessons to create character. Though you might get knocked down a couple times, you are a sturdy tree with a purpose and destination. Instead of concentrating on the when and how, concentrate on the now.

Growth

One of life’s greatest lessons is the knowledge of how to get back up and push on. Though she is beautiful, life can also be like a swift wind; if you don’t hold on, you’ll be blown away. “It’s only after you’ve stepped outside your comfort zone that you begin to change, grow, and transform.” (Roy T. Bennett)

Energy

All around us is energy. Every living organism produces energy called ATP. When you breathe air, and move, you create energy (friction). Every action has a reaction; this also applies to how we live our lives. There actually is a thing called, “negative energy”. Dr. Masaru Emoto’s plant experiment proves this.

Each Plant was given identical water and sunlight. One plant was told positive things every day, and the other harsh negative words. Within 2 weeks of the experiment, the positive plant was growing tall and green. The other plant(negative), stayed thin and had a brownish tint to the leaves. This experiment has been duplicated many times with the same results. What does this show us? Thoughts, words, sounds, colors, all of these things are a unique form of energy, vibration, and frequency. (Dr. Masaru) 

 

Life is precious and delicate. The viability of life’s energy is our ability to grow and learn in a complex universe. If we would only remember to trust that which breathes us – perhaps we could relinquish our resistance, and relax into the natural ease and flow…

If you’re experiencing any emotional challenges, call a professional.

For a Free Discovery Session with Dr. Wielenga click the link below

http://coachingkiva.com/discovery-session/

The Coaching Kiva     

 

 

 

 

Dr. Lateefah Wielenga

Your Bridge to a Life of Satisfaction and Fulfillment, 

Email: drw@coachingkiva.com

Phone:(562) 895-0516

Article by Paul Newcombe

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The Effects of Loving Yourself

Self-confidence, self-worth, beauty, and happiness gravitate inside-out from our souls. A flower is not beautiful because it’s flawless; it’s perfection comes from the days of growth and development. To create the perfect flower entails pruning and giving it nourishment. A person’s physiological and spiritual self is a lot like flowers; requiring much finesse and care. Can the forest of birds be heard if there’s no one listening? Can a hurting heart open up to another?

We are in a world where people have been taught to put others first, but one must love his neighbor as he/she loves himself. This is a simple way of saying, before one can help another, they must help themselves.

Put Your Needs First

To be able to have loving relationships with others, you must first have a loving relationship with yourself. When you don’t love yourself, you are dismissing the importance of your own needs. Self-love begins with identifying your needs first, and making them a priority in your life. Doing what you feel is right for you, and not succumbing to the expectations of others or society. When you begin to put yourself first, self-confidence will follow, which leads to self-love.

Dignity

Loving yourself pushes you to take care of your needs. By learning to give to yourself what you deserve, you start to develop into the person you want to be. You can celebrate the beauty and freedom of being true to yourself, gaining a familiar sense of who you are. This feeling of self- worth gives off an intoxicating aroma that will attract others who share this gift.

You Can See

The effects of loving yourself will allow you to identify what’s healthy and what’s not healthy for you. You’ll gain the clarity you need to understand who you are. “To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ( Thich Nhat Hanh)

Be proud of who you are and don’t let other’s animosity and prejudices cloud your self-perception. Never underestimate yourself. Without self-confidence, there is no self-worth; without self-worth, you won’t feel the beauty life is offering.

 

How would you answer these questions?

Are you loving yourself?

Do you put yourself first?

Do you believe you matter?


(If you’re experiencing these problems, call a professional.)

For a Free Discovery Session with Dr. Wielenga click the link below
The Coaching Kiva
Dr. Lateefah Wielenga
Your Bridge to a Life of Satisfaction and Fulfillment,
Email: drw@coachingkiva.com
Phone:(562) 895-0516
Article by Paul Newcombe
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Help! Knowing When to Ask For It

Last week the Coaching Kiva covered how to approach the issue of feeling stuck; this week
we are going to further expand on the idea of when you feel, “all is lost.” Whether the crisis
involves finances, relationship, or work -when is it okay to ask for help? The answer varies by individual, but the best practice
to pursue is to ask for assistance when you don’thave the tools, or the resources you need to solve the problem.
This means that you believe you have exhausted every knowing alternative. When asking for help, always have a positive attitude. Thomas Jefferson once said, “nothing can stop the man, with the right mental attitude; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.”When asking for help be humble, open, and follow through. The example given below apply to relationships as well.
Humble
Asking for help can be a humbling experience. When asking, you need to set all pride aside and push past the fear of being a burden. Ask for assistance from those who are established and driven. There is nothing worse than a blind man leading the blind.
Open and Receiving
When you are asking for someone’s help, never criticize or attack someone’s bid of assistance, and expect it not to be easy. For example, Tom has hit a rough patch with his finances and he is unable to pay the rent. Tom has two options; try to borrow more money, becoming deeper in debt, or to ask friends or family for help. Tom’s father suggests that Tom goes back to school to get a degree. In turn, he will cover the rent until he completes his degree. Tom rejects his dad’s offer because he thinks he is too old and school is a waste of time.
Tom’s pride and animosity has not only denigrated the offer from his father, but the possibility of future help. No one who achieves success does so without acknowledging the help of others. The wise and confident acknowledge this help with gratitude (Alfred Whitehead).
Follow Through
No one wants to help someone that makes empty promises and commitments. When accepting help from others, do not expect it to be easy (ex. Tom going back to school). Do not be the start-or-stop guy/girl that never finishes what he or she started. In your personal life or in your relationship, remember to acknowledge that you need help, put your pride aside, and stay in gratitude. You’ll be amazed at the results!
(If you’re experiencing relationship problems, call a professional.)
For a Free Discovery Session with Dr. Wielenga click the link below
http://coachingkiva.com/discovery-session/
The Coaching Kiva
 
Dr. Lateefah Wielenga
Your Bridge to a Life of Satisfaction and Fulfillment,
Email: drw@coachingkiva.com
Phone:(562) 895-0516
Article by Paul Newcombe
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Sex, Love, & Food: The inticacies of what’s delicious.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CONTENT FROM THE BOOK

Colette walked into Tin Roof restaurant in Manhattan Beach. She liked the ambiance and the energy of the people.

“This place feels good to me” she said to her best friends Lauren and Pamela.

“I’m glad we made this decision.”

As they walked into the restaurant there was a bar to the left, many people were seated there for the wine tasting event. Tables had been rearranged to accommodate the customers. The restaurant has an outdoor patio area at the entrance and an outdoor seating area on the south side next to The Vintage Wine Shoppe, almost connected to it.  When looking at Tin Roof, one can see its Spanish style with its red-tiled roof and bougainvillea. When Colette surveyed the room, she saw a lot of good looking guys. Bruno Mars’ Nothin’ On You was playing; the lyrics made her feel special. She gently moved her body to the rhythm of the music, noticing the smell of garlic and various spices that filled the room with comfort. The murmuring of the guests helped Colette feel all too pleased that she’d decided to attend this wine tasting. She released a happy sigh, looked at her girlfriends, and smiled.

When they ordered their wine flights, Colette glanced over the shoulder of their server and saw a really handsome gentleman. There was just something about him. It wasn’t his height or his physique that impressed her. It was something she couldn’t quite put her finger on.  What was it? she found herself asking. Colette directed her attention to her girlfriends,

“When you get a chance – and don’t be obvious – look at the tall guy standing at the fourth table. He’s wearing a white-silk shirt, tan colored slacks and brown Armani loafers. Is there something about him or is it just me?”

Pamela casually glanced at the guy approvingly.

“He is nice,” she said.

“But so are many of the guys in here. Look at him.”   Pamela said as she pointed out another nice-looking guy with sexy, piercing eyes.

“I agree, coming here tonight was a great idea,” Lauren said.

“Leave it to me to get us out of our social rut. But I’ve got to say a second time that that guy is so …”  Colette said, and her voice trailed off.

She couldn’t articulate her feelings about the guy across the room.  His skin was smooth with a golden glow. He had a cleft chin and his brown eyes twinkled when he laughed. His body was strong. It was easy to tell just by the way his loose-fitting clothes draped over his sinewy body.

 

https://www.createspace.com/7217910

http://coachingkiva.com

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Feeling Stuck? Move Anyway

At some point in a person’s
life, we all hit that barrier.
What do we do? Keep
moving. Feeling stuck may
include, hating your job,
having relationship
problems, or living in an
area you’d rather not be.

 

The feeling of limbo is a destructive phenomenon – an unsettling feeling – like being in bumper-to-bumper traffic. You’d probably rather just stay home and not even face the lingering and weary sound of breaks and horns. Life can be a lot like this analogy of traffic. The destination is set, and all that’s in the way is thousands of other cars (obstacles); but in reality, the only obstacle that’s in the way is You. The 4 o’clock traffic is inevitable, but it’s your decision to wait, or to start the journey.

So, what do we do when we get Stuck?

We often get sidetracked on what we’re trying to accomplish with our lives, and forget why we even started the journey we’re on. Uncertainty can cause a bad attitude about a situation; it can activate our fears, and our self-doubts. Uncertainty can have a devastating effect on us. We have very little control over the exterior events that life may bring, but we do have control over our ability to make a decision(s) on how to respond.

Focus on Your Aspirations

What is it that you want? Do you want to move away, and create a new life? Is it time to get out of an abusive relationship? Are you ready for a new Job? The only person who can answer these questions is you! Focus on your Aspirations and make sure they align.

Determine Your Fears

Did you know that about 95% of the time, our fears prevent us from reaching our potential?

Listen to your intuition

Listen to the little voice in your head, when it’s telling you to do, or not to do something. Our intuition is more powerful than most of us think.

Limbo and uncertainty are a part of life. Despite life’s harmonies, life also includes chaos and confusion. When you’re faced with one of life’s lessons, always have a good attitude. Smile at the world, and it will smile back.

For a Free Discovery Session with Dr. Wielenga click the link below

http://coachingkiva.com/discovery-session/

The Coaching Kiva

Dr. Lateefah Wielenga

Your Bridge to a Life of Satisfaction and Fulfillment,

Email: drw@coachingkiva.com

Phone:(562) 895-0516

Article by Paul Newcombe

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Blog

Love is a Verb

Love, by definition, is the intense feeling of deep affection. However, it’s not just a feeling, it’s an action(verb). This week the Coaching Kiva is going to take you on a short walk on the beach, and talk about the myth of love, which causes many relationships to become dysfunctional. Love will make you happier than you’ve ever been, but if not approached with the understanding of reciprocity, Love can cause unpleasant, unforeseen, challenges.

Many believe Love is only a feeling, and when that feeling loses its intensity, the Love for their partner isn’t real. That’s not necessarily so. Sometimes you forget your partner also has needs, and desires. A successful relationship is based on reciprocity. Give and take. When someone’s not doing their share in a relationship, problems arise. When difficulties show up, you may begin looking elsewhere. Consequently, as much as you want to believe the grass is greener on the other side, it’s not. Start giving your partner the Love that you want, and see the goodness grow. “The best kind of Love is the kind that awakens the Soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.” (The Notebook)

Once the honeymoon phase wears off, people start to struggle in their relationships. Remember to be the man/women that your significant other fell in Love with. Love is a commitment, love is learning, love is soft and kind, but always remember – Love is a VERB!

It can be very tragic when people are willing to just walk away from healthy relationships when they face conflict. It’s time to change our expectation of what Love is, and dismantle this false cultural norm. 

First:

When you enter a relationship be emotionally available.

Second:

Be mindful of your expectations when beginning a relationship.

Third:

Love requires effort.

Fourth:

Remember that Love is grounded on trust, commitment, and time.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

Love is the deepest part of our soul; it can sing, it can cry, but at the end of the day love is what makes us human. The action of love develops our hearts and strengthens our soul.

For a Free Discovery Session with Dr. Wielenga click the link below

http://coachingkiva.com/discovery-session/

     

The Coaching Kiva

Dr. Lateefah Wielenga

Your Bridge to a Life of Satisfaction and Fulfillment,

Email: drw@coachingkiva.com

Phone:(562) 895-0516

 

 

 

 

 

 

Article by Paul Newcombe (and Dr. W)

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Making Up Sooner than Later

Somewhere in the middle of your long talks, silly jokes, and little fights, you fell in love with your significant other. To maintain this healthy relationship, you need to remember to never go to bed angry or upset. Some couples may find it easier then others, but the key is to not ignore the problem, and address it in a timely manner. Life is but a journey in which you need a set of tools. Having those tools helps the couple’s communication result in less conflict, and a happier relationship.

Running away from our problems creates a tornado effect; leaving a devastating ‘mark’ on the relationship. This week, The Coaching Kiva is going to give you some exercises to help you and your partner.

Instructions: 
Step 1: Define the problem
Step 2: Be patient and listen
Step 3: Brainstorm/Proposal
Step 4: Agree on a solution

 

 

Define the Problem:
After a long day at work, your hubby comes home and the house is a mess. You start arguing, which ends with the bedroom door slamming, and your husband getting the silent treatment. What do you do? We find that people’s first response to conflict results in a defensive behavior, adding fire to the situation known as an Adrenergic response. This is when your central nervous system is overstimulated and one of two things occur. Your sympathetic or parasympathetic nervous system takes over (known as fight or flight).

Be Patient and Listen
Whatever the confrontation is about, first stop, listen, and process the information. If your significant other is giving you the silent treatment and is upstairs in the bedroom. Stop! Your emotional dilemma has triggered the fight or flight response. By taking twenty minutes to take a step back and analyze the situation, you allow the endorphins pumping adrenaline into your system to subside. Now you can make your proposal or bid.

Brainstorm/Proposal
A proposal is effectively communicating an alternative or solution to the dilemma at hand. You realize your partner is having a bad day, and didn’t follow through with their promise to clean up the house. This is your opportunity to create an opening for your proposal or bid, and start
brainstorming a possible-solutions.

Agree on a solution
You open the bedroom door and ask your partner what’s wrong, as you embrace each other. She starts crying and says she had a terrible day at work and is very stressed out. The last thing she wants is to come home to a messy house. You present the idea of making a chore list and a schedule (the argument is over).

Relationships are like birds, if you hold too tightly they die. If you hold too loosely, they fly. But if you hold with care, they remain with you forever (rose nectar).

For a Free Discovery Session click the link below

Discovery Session

The Coaching Kiva
Dr. Lateefah Wielenga
Your Bridge to a Life of Satisfaction and Fulfillment,

 

 

 

 

Email: drw@coachingkiva.com
Phone:(562) 895-0516

Article by Paul Newcombe

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