Author Archives: Lateefah Wielenga, Ph.D.


A New Attitude!



It was Friday night on October 21 and I was in my little house listening to Seth Godin talk with  Marie Forleo.  Her show is amazing because she’s so cool and she always has the people I love on her show – Marie TV.


Seth suggested we should blog every day and give content to others.  I agree with him – hence, my desire to start a new blog site.  I write this blog for my website with content that pertains to relationships.  But on my new blog site I’m going to write about many topics.  Some esoteric, some romantic and others just stuff I hope you can use.

Delete it and Reboot

On September 17, I became a Certified Access Consciousness Practitioner.  What I do allows people more possibility and change.  There are 32 points (bars) on the head and when accessed- which means I pull energy from your third eye, your feet and your hands, then access the points on your head- it helps you to delete old negative information and replace it with something beneficial to you.

When I listened to a video by Neuroscientist Dr. Jeffrey Fannin,   I realized how valuable Access Consciousness is.  There are still so many areas of my life that are reflecting what’s going on in my world inside that I must change.   A benefit is each time I access someone’s bars mine are being accessed as well.   Everyone wins!

The Question

In terms of books and YouTube videos you can read, watch and listen to, I’d like to suggest you watch the video by Wayne Dyer: The Shift (it may cost you a few dollars) –  FREE: there’s a book on YouTube you can download and read or listen to: You Invisible Powers by Genevieve Behrend, and Sacred Master Key by Allan Rufus.

These books will have you asking questions and that’s what we want to do, so let’s ask the quest HOW.


HOW does it get any better than this?

HOW can I improve this?

HOW can I make a positive shift?

These questions will make you think and take action.  No blaming allowed.


I hope this  post has given you something to think about – information you can use, and perhaps you will want to read again.profile-fb-1477007088-c5b79cdd8985


I’ve got a lot of good stuff on my website.  Coaching packages you can purchase.  A group you can join, and free stuff if you go to my store. Go on over and check it out!

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The Kiss Test





Remember the Kiss Test?  If not let me refresh your memory.  A relationship coach who helps men learn how to date women came up with this.  He says that when a man wants to kiss a woman for the first time but is not certain if she’s into him like – that this is what he should do:


Touch the tip of her hair easily – ever so slightly as if the action is natural.  If she doesn’t become uncomfortable, he can then gently place her hair behind her ear.  If she moves her head away he should take that as an indication that she’s not ready to be kissed by him.  But if she doesn’t move away or leans in a little bit, then it’s okay to kiss her.


Isn’t that interesting?  How many of you men (or women) have done this?  How many of you women recognize this?  Leave a comment in the comment section and let me know if his tactic works.


On that note, I’d like to suggest something that women can do to help de-escalate arguments or disagreements that are on their way to getting out of hand.  When you and your partner are having a challenging time understanding each other, gently touch him (or her).  If you are standing away from them walk over and softly stroke their arm and let him know the two of you can work through this.  If you’re sitting down touch their hand or leg.  Usually, this will defuse the situation and you and your partner can begin again or wait until tomorrow to have the discussion.


Studies have shown that when a couple is touching they are less inclined to quarrel than when they are not touching.  So this brings me to the topic of choice.  We can choose.  Do you want to be at odds with your partner?  If yes pops up then ask yourself how being estranged from the person you care about is serving you.  Which of your six human needs is that fulfilling?  Certainty, Variety, Significance, Love/Connection, Growth, Contribution.

We don’t have to create or perpetuate conflict in our relationships.  There is always something that can be done.  Like kissing or touching.

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Vulnerability: Your Superpower!



“Being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure.”  Bob Marley

I believe you know the quality of your relationship has a major impact the quality of your life.  That sometimes, the state of your romantic partnership could be much richer and, more satisfying if you’d only give up the façade and let your true light shine!


“Light?  What light?”  If that question’s coming up, it’s from the other voice that lives inside all of our heads.  The voice of sarcasm, and criticism.  Many of you continue to listen to it, yet it keeps you in a perpetual state of struggle – between what you know is great about you, and at the same time, what you choose to doubt.  But before you listen to that critical voice again, why not reveal your brightness?  Let your partner – and the world see you in all of your magnificence!


 When you finally decide that your dreams count as long as you believe in them and that your opinion of yourself matters far more than anyone else’s – that what you need is important and you’re willing to express your needs to the people you care about most, no matter what – Your light will begin to shine.


Sounds good, right? It is … once you’re there.  Consequently, to get to the place of transparency is not an easy task for most because it requires vulnerability, which requires courage. Being vulnerable can feel like you’re stripping down to your birthday suit in front of a stranger.  It is scary because you feel you may be judged, or ridiculed for who you are or aspire to be.

Your Tribe

That may be true, some people may do that.  But wouldn’t it be liberating to be authentically you?  That’s how we find our tribe, our support system, and our love.  The world seems to expand when we allow ourselves to BE; For us, for our lovers, for our families, and for the world.  Because at the end of the day, “Don’t worry about a thing.  Every little thing is gonna be alright.”  Bob Marley



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How I can Help …

Want a GREAT relationship?

confused couple








Want a Great relationship?

Learn the FOUR step formula that will get you on your way!

Open the link below, and enjoy the rest of your day.

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Blog The Coaching Kiva

Doing That Thing You Do (Redux)

Here’s a very simple idea for strengthening your relationship. It comes from many things I have written over the years about healthy sacrifices in relationships and marriage.

I think we all know of little things we could do that are good for our relationships that we are not likely to do on any given day. My emphasis on “little things” is very important. On most days, there are too many obstacles in the way of doing big things. Of course, big things are great to do from time to time, but big sacrifices require big opportunities that are rare. Small sacrifices do not require big opportunities. They are thoroughly and routinely doable.

If you want to apply this idea to your own relationship this week, here’s a little exercise for you. Take a few minutes of quiet time and think about some of the things you have done in the past for your partner that fit these characteristics.

1.  It is something under your control.

2.  It is something small that you can decide to do just about any day or week you want.

3.  It is something that you know is good for your relationship and that your partner tends to like.

4.  It is something you are NOT all that likely to do today or this week, even though you very well could.

Go ahead and write a few ideas down.

Challenge time. Commit to yourself to do one or two of the things you wrote down in the coming week.  Not 10. One or two. Develop some way to remind yourself and get after it.  Don’t tell your partner what you are doing, just do it. Your partner may or may not notice everything but he or she will probably notice some of these things. But that’s not the point, really. The point is doing a few small things that are good for your relationship. Your relationship will be stronger for it.

If that works for you, try this idea out for a number of weeks (there’s not really any great reason to stop).

It’s point number 4 that really puts this idea into the realm of small but meaningful sacrifice. That’s because you are recognizing in yourself that you are not likely to do this very simple thing that you know your partner appreciates. You have to decide to go out of your way, a tiny bit, to follow through.

It’s not the thought that counts. Ideas that are never put into action may be thoughtful but they are not effective. Your mission is to do something.

*This article was written on March 10, 2015, by Scott Stanley, Ph.D. for his blog, Sliding vs Deciding: Scott Stanley’s Blog.

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Tquestions.imageshink about your life or your relationship. What’s the biggest problem you’re facing right now that I can help you with?  What’s causing you the most pain?

 Leave a comment and let me know.

Helping people is what we do.


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How To Listen Without Overreacting:  Does This Sound Familiar?


Have you ever been enjoying a nice time with your partner; perhaps while cooking dinner, out on a date, or just spending time together at home?  The conversation is going well and everything is flowing smoothly, when suddenly – you find yourself in the middle of an argument!  Your feelings have been hurt or you have become angry.  She’s crying and you’ve shut down.  Once the argument is over, you look around and see the rubble and wonder what just happened!  Everything’s a blur…


What’s Happened?

I think I can safely say this has happened for many of us.  Ask yourself:  How many times have you become upset, hurt, angry, uncomfortable, or any other negative emotion, because of what someone said to you?  When you reflect back, was it actually because of what they said to you that caused those negative emotions, or was it because of the way they said it?  Usually, these types of misunderstandings occur because we’re not listening to what’s being said, we’re listening to our partner’s physiology; their facial expression, their tone of voice, or their body language.   This is an indication that we’ve been triggered by our interpretation of a look, a tone, or a gesture of our partner’s.



Negative experiences from our past are the reasons we’re triggered.  When we see something in our partner that reminds us of something that did not make us feel good, we react.  Understanding that what happened then has nothing to do with our lives now, can make a positive difference in our relationships.  When we’re aware of our triggers, we’re free to change and choose the emotions that are most beneficial to us and those around us.  The emotions that no longer serve us are the ones we must release.


Today’s tip is:

Listen To The Words Being Said.  There’s an important message beneath the rubble of your interpretation of your partner’s physiology.




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Keeping The Spark Alive: 6 Ways To Cultivate And maintain The Passion In Your Relationship

This blog article is from Tony Robbins’ newsletter.  He is an expert in many topics and relationships is one of them.  Enjoy!

relationship coaching

“Long distance never works.”
“The seven-year itch is real.”
“Children always kill romance.”

“You can’t have love and a successful career. You have to choose.”

Chances are you’ve heard at least one of these statements, or a variation on the theme. One of the most common myths about long-term relationships is that passion is only for the beginning of a relationship. It’s the “zsa zsa zsu” that we talk about, the butterflies, the excitement, the spark. But that spark will inevitably dim down and simmer, and perhaps even sizzle out altogether and disappear.

Sound familiar?


Couples will cite countless reasons for their fire dying. Usually these reasons cluster around not having enough time to spend together. That might be because of long distance, seemingly incompatible work schedules or simply children and their needs. What might have been a temporary state unconsciously becomes  habit. The excuse becomes “tomorrow,” or “next week,” or “when things are settled.”

Less time together leads to a loss of intimacy, which manifests as a loss of attraction. The loss of attraction leads to decreased communication between partners, starting off a cycle of negativity that becomes one of frustration and further distance.

Yet keeping the spark alive is possible. But it takes more than just scheduling a date or two to make real, lasting change in a relationship.



You have to create what you want, not just go hunting for it. To be a good partner you need to be emotionally fit and shift from wanting something to doing something. Think back to the start of your relationship: you were willing to do whatever it takes to make that person happy. What are you willing to do now?


You need to have five times as many positive communications as negative ones to have a good relationship, particularly if you want an intimate one. It’s easy to see the negative impact of people feeling shut down and shut out of their intimate partner’s sphere. Talking doesn’t just mean chatting for a few minutes before falling asleep. It means making plans about your future, understanding your partner’s love language and finding out what’s on the other’s mind.

  1. GROW

What we’re attracted to in others is another part of ourselves that we’re not activating. Then we get resentful because those qualities are being shut down and stifled in the other person, which comes through as frustration with the relationship. Growth happens when we step out of our comfort zone, so go do something new together. “People often say, We’ll laugh about this someday,” Tony observes. “I say, why wait?”


It sounds counterintuitive, but planning for spontaneity can make a huge difference for partners. One of our favorites is to plan a surprise date: block off time on your partner’s calendar but don’t say what you’ll be doing. Then spend quality time doing something you both enjoy, whether that’s going for a beverage or dinner, seeing a show, taking a walk, going on a weekend getaway… Your partner will see that you care enough to make time for them and you’ll remember reasons that you got into this relationship in the first place.


This moment is the only thing that’s real. So don’t filter your partner through a past story. That’s old news and it’s over. Instead, think about what will make that person feel loved and seen. Then do those things. Don’t know? Ask.

  1. GIVE

Giving shows that you’re making your partner a priority. Remember, if you contribute nothing, you get nothing. If you get nothing, it’s likely that you feel insignificant and unloved. Instead, think about what you can give to your partner to make them feel filled, seen, and understand that they are your top priority. Go farther than your partner expects and you’ll be each other’s own #1 fan.

Create surprises, not roadblocks. An even easier way to keep your spark? Do what you did at the beginning of your relationship and there won’t be an end.

Header image credit is one purchased by The Coaching Kiva

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“How Lucky Am I?”


fingers touching

“How Lucky Am I?”

Those are the words of my dear friend, Geri D.  She lost her Soul-Mate three Wednesdays ago, on June 8.  She continues to profess her gratitude – her luck, and her good fortune for having been blessed with such an incredible human being.  I am writing about this to help us all remember we never know when it’s the final Curtain Call, or when the entertaining time of life is going to – Drop The Mic.


She called him Billzilla, because she made him a part of her Yardzilla-ness (too long of a story to tell here).  She is creative and fun, yet serious and – as she says about herself – built for speed.  She never expected to be given the gift of true, unconditional love.  She’d never had it and believed she never would.  Then along came Billzilla; A kind, sensitive, caring man who loved the finer things in life; which included Geri.  He loved her more than she ever knew she could be loved.

No Promises

This topic is so important for me to write because it demonstrates the temporary nature of all things. It shows us how fragile life and love are.  It teaches us to treasure the sweetness of all we experience.  I hope it also reminds us that nothing is promised and we never know what is waiting just ahead.

Like Water

Although the love for Billzilla will forever remain in Geri’s heart, nothing made of matter lasts forever.  Love is such an anomaly; it can seem to be like water for many.  When they try to reach into its deep reservoir and get a handful to quench their thirst, most of it escapes through cupped fingers.  Yet, love – when it chooses us, is forever possible no matter what age.  Love is always on time.  If it picks you – please appreciate it, and enjoy…

                                                                                              L. Wielenga. 6/16                                                                                                                                                          


Revolution (Molting)

The light and dark forces struggle; this

causes the revolution of the seasons. We can

master these changes and learn to keep our

balance by understanding their regularity and

cyclic nature.  Then, what appears chaotic

becomes clear, and we are able to adjust.

— Karen Holden

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Appreciation Or Expectation: Which One Compliments Your Relationship?

appreciation or expectation relationships

So you’re five months into a new relationship and the person couldn’t be a better fit for you. The stimulating conversations excite and motivate, the laughter brings much welcomed joy, and the sex – the sex – couldn’t have come at a better time! It’s been a while since you’ve felt like this about someone. You had begun to wonder if love had just passed you by. Yet, to your surprise love has arrived, and now your current mantra is full of phrases thanking the Universe for such a perfect connection. You appreciate this person; Life is good!

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