Author Archives: wielenga.lm@gmail.com

Blog The Coaching Kiva

Is There A Reason For The Change?

Love changes life images

Question:  Do you become a different person once in a romantic relationship?  If so – why?

While having dinner with a dear friend a few nights ago, I asked her what she would like to read about in my Coaching Kiva blog.  She said she is interested in people’s behaviors – why they do the things they do.  When I asked her to be more specific, she began telling me how she is experiencing feelings of abandonment since many of her friends have married.  She told me they no longer call, come by or, spend time with her.

Considerations:

Today, as I considered the conversation we had, I decided to ask another woman I know if she agrees with my friend.  The woman said she thinks the reasons for the change in behaviors once many people become romantically linked, may be based on the type of relationship they’ve had with them.  People see us in ways we may not imagine.  We may simply be fulfilling a need for them that is very different from the need they are fulfilling for us.

Types of friendships:

There are people we think about calling when we want to party, because they’re fun.  Then, there are those we call to pass the time because we’re bored.   Lastly, there are the ones we consider our friends.  Those are the people we know we can really count on – the ones we can trust, and we genuinely like to be around.  These are the people we truly consider friends.  We enjoy going clothes shopping with them, we like to spend lazy Sunday afternoons at the movies or watching a game with them.  With these people, we welcome having honest meaningful conversations.  They get us and we love them for it.

Reasons:

So, the reasons why some of our friends’ behaviors change once they become romantically linked may be because they don’t consider the relationship a bonafide friendship.

We are possibly fulfilling a need that is not in the friendship category.

  • Remember:
    • We all have different needs that we are trying to meet.
    • Know what type of relationship you’re in.
    • Enjoy it for what it is.
    • If you’re not getting what you need – have a conversation with that person.
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Flip The Hourglass To A Brand New Start!

Thanksgiving was last Thursday and I can swear I’ve heard Caroling – already.  I know it’s all in my mind but I also know this year is rapidly coming to an end.  Wait – are those Jingle Bells I hear …?

There are only 28 days left in this year!   We’ve got so much to do in such a short amount of time.  I hope the turkey and pumpkin decorations are put away because we’ve got to prepare for the festivities of December.   We get so preoccupied with all of the day-to-day that, we either forget about the man or woman in our life or, we intentionally avoid what’s going on in our relationship.  Many couples go the entire year dodging the dreaded conversation that sometimes begins like this: “Sweetheart, we need to talk.” Or, “I’m not happy.”

Remember the old adage, see no evil – hear no evil – speak no evil?  Well that usually doesn’t work in situations like our relationships.  Someone’s not going to be satisfied.  It makes sense to remove our hands from our ears, eyes and mouths because hearing what needs to be said, seeing what’s really going on, and speaking to the issues at hand will help the relationship.  We are aware December is the month of celebrations and the giving of gifts, but did you know that January is claimed to be the month for divorce and break-ups.  According to an article I read in The Huffington Post Tuesday morning, January is the month with the most legal divorces.   The article also said husbands and wives who are disenchanted begin looking for information on divorce after the holidays.

So before we are forced to flip the hourglass, let’s remember that the approaching New Year is an indication of a fresh start.  We can begin anew.  Start all over again!  I suggest we stop running away from our problems and look them straight in the eye.  Don’t forget we created them and we have the power to remove/resolve them.  Of course it will be a process, but it is definitely something that can be done.   We can start by paying more attention to those who bring meaning to our lives.  We can focus on the positive aspects of our partner and, we can begin to forgive.  The tips below will help us remain in gratitude.

  • Stop looking behind you because you’ve been there already. There is nothing we can change that lives in yesterday.
  • Don’t look too far ahead, because you may miss this very day.
  • Try as you might to stay here – in the present. We usually have everything we need in the

Moment

I think it’s time to get the chestnuts.  They’ve got to be roasted on an open fire … J

Happy Holidays!

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Relationship Coach or Therapist – Which One Will Benefit You?

 

Is your relationship good, but you’d like to make it better?  Has your lover become your roommate? – Or is your relationship in trouble and needs help saving?

If you’ve found yourself asking any of these questions you know you need help, but you may not be certain if you require a relationship coach or a relationship therapist?  Let me help you decipher the two.  While either coach or therapist may be of assistance, what’s happening in your relationship is what determines which will be the best choice for you

When the challenges you are experiencing interfere with your daily functioning, causing feelings of depression, anxiety or low self-esteem, then you need a therapist.  In these situations the therapist will take the role of the expert, helping with your mental health needs. You will receive the tools you need to alleviate depression, deal with anxiety and heighten your low self-esteem, assisting you back to emotional stability.

If you and your partner are having difficulties communicating effectively, keeping the spark and excitement in your relationship, or need help getting through unfamiliar territory then a coach is the one for you.  A coach sees you as the expert and acknowledges you have what it takes to make the necessary positive changes to accomplish your desired relationship goals.  A coach helps the client create a strategy and a plan of action to realize the desired outcomes. You are also accountable to your coach for completing homework assignments, calling in when required and following the action-plan designed specifically for you.   Since you are not suffering from any emotional challenges that are getting in the way of your day-to-day activities, you will see a relationship coach who will offer encouragement while working very closely with you as a partner until you reach your relationship objectives.  Similar to a sports coach, I always use the Lakers former coach Phil Jackson, as an example for how I help my clients get on their desired trajectory.  We meet a few times a week, via face-time, skype or text, we find the problem, discuss the desired outcomes, create a plan and take action to obtain the client’s vision.

When you realize things are not how you’d like them to be in your relationship, call someone immediately.  A relationship coach or a therapist; either one can help you work things out.

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