Category : Blog


Reconnecting with Your Partner

Society and social media tell us that when we lose our intimacy and connection with our significant other it’s time to move on; I’m here to tell you that this is wrong and it’s time to reconnect with your partner. A relationship is a product of intimacy (not just sex), trust, and ALOT of work.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs (love and belonging) teaches that neglect, past relationship problems, and ostracism can affect individuals’ abilities to form and maintain relationships. So, what does this all mean? Rebuilding your relationship can be as easy as increasing communication, work on emotional dissonance, and bring the romance back.


Did you know 95% of arguments are communication-related? If you want more depth and connection with your partner, you need to express your concerns and communicate effectively. As a male, I know how frustrating and difficult it is to talk about feelings; being emotionally available is the first barrier to hurdle. This can be as simple as saying, “I don’t want to talk right now because I am frustrated” or “I’m here for you, just tell me what you need.” Lastly, don’t play the guessing game; if you’re unsure, ask!

Emotional dissonance

Communication and emotional dissonance are 2 sides of the same coin, creating a chain reaction. Emotional dissonance is a feeling of unease, and when it occurs, is evaluated as a threat to his or her identity. This can happen when we approach our loved one in a condescending manner or start playing the blame game.

To avoid this, practice by telling yourself you’re feeling on edge and you’re going to respect your partner; reminding yourself not to blame, by using the word “You”. God made two ears to listen, and one mouth to talk.

The last blueprint to any relationship is the Romance (not just sex).  Let sex be an expression of intimacy to strengthen your present connection. Start by taking them to their favorite restaurant, bring them to a movie, or go out of your way to make them a special gift. Romance is an effort, not an obligation.


To rebuild a severed or disconnected relationship with someone, first concentrate on rebuilding communication. At the same time, work on how you approach confrontation by avoiding blame, and the use of the “you” word. Finally, every relationship needs a little romance; the more attractive part being the effort. Be that Someone who really wants to talk to him/her, see them, and be a part of their life.

Your Bridge to a Life of Satisfaction and Fulfillment,


Dr. Wielenga


Phone:(562) 895-0516


The Coaching Kiva

Article by Paul Newcombe

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Unhappy and Dissatisfied With Life

Are you waking up in the morning wishing there was more? You have the car, the perfect marriage, and even that great job, but something is missing. As human beings, we crave to have a sense of belongingness, but how we achieve it varies per individual. There have been various studies conducted on how people achieve fulfillment in our lives. For many people they choose a religion, others money, and some even future aspirations; though there are three commonalities within these.

Your Social Life/Friends
Did you know that a study by Richburg found that people who have close friends tend to be 19% more satisfied with life and 23% more optimistic? It can be as easy starting by inviting your neighbors over for dinner. Having a good relationship with your neighbors can increase life satisfaction up to 16% and lower the feeling of loneliness by 25%(Prezza et al. 2001). Last, put yourself out there–as discussed from last week– and get involved with your community!

Make Goals
A study done by Krueger in 1998, discovered that individuals with goals are 19% more satisfied with their lives and 26% happier about themselves. They also found that life satisfaction leads to less negative feelings of self-worth; helping with anxiety and depression. Just to be clear, a goal does not mean you need to be the next president or even make a million dollars. A goal can be long-term or short-term. It is something that gets you out of bed in the morning and gives you a purpose such as training for a marathon or preparing to travel the world.

What to Remember
The last thing you do not want to do when you are dissatisfied with life is concentrate on money. For example, spending more money during the holidays for your kids actually does not make them happier. Why is this? Because buying or receiving new “stuff” gives us a false sense of satisfaction. Metabolically speaking, when you buy or receive something new, it spikes the dopamine in your brain–giving you a quick high or level of excitement– then you’re off to the next best thing. Instead of Concentrating on the growth of your bank account, focus on your social life, goals and your personal growth.

Your Bridge to a Life of Satisfaction and Fulfillment,

Dr. Wielenga


Phone:(562) 895-0516                                                                                                                 


The Coaching Kiva
Article by Paul Newcombe



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Self Perception: How to Believe in Yourself

Self-perception of oneself plays a major part in your self-worth. For the past 8 years, I have struggled with short-term memory loss from a traumatic brain injury from my childhood. This became my crutch of feeling not worthy or “good enough” to pursue my own personal goals and ambitions.  

I was scared to pursue my ideal career or to go to school and get a degree; in my eyes, my life was over. I was unable to create healthy habits and was not goal directed. Unable to push past my comfort zone, I was too shy to talk to women, I had a hard time making new friends, and I had no sense of a command presence. Though I have moved forward, I still have these self-doubts; but how I approach this feeling of doubt is what defines me.

The Approach

To start, you need to realize that you will fail, but failure is not the end; it is the beginning. How do we learn something is Hot? Ods are your mother told you not to touch the stove, but through the experience of trial and error, you learned to take proper precautions while handling the hot pan.  Like the hot pan, if you do not handle life correctly you will get burned. Failure is natural, and everyday is a new day and opportunity. If you let failure consume you, then you will not grow. To conclude, you need to put yourself out there and tell yourself it’s okay not to be perfect.  


It takes 21 days to create a new habit. Now it is time to put what I have talked about to the test.

  • Push past your discomfort and get out of your comfort zone
  • Put yourself out there and make yourself emotionally available
  • Do not listen to the non-constructive negative feedback
  • Learn to trust yourself by being confident in what you have to say
  • Put yourself into unfamiliar situations
  • Learn through your mistakes that it is okay to fail


By exposing yourself to repeated galling and wearisome settings, it will create a stronger you; a you that is more capable then you could imagine.

Your Bridge to a Life of Satisfaction and Fulfillment,

The Coaching Kiva

By Paul Newcombe

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Happy Couples: How To Keep Your Relationship Healthy


Romantic relationships are important for our happiness and well-being. Yet with more than 40 percent of new marriages ending in divorce, it’s clear that relationships aren’t always easy.1 Fortunately, there are steps you can take to keep your romantic partnership in good working order.

Talking openly

Communication is a key piece of healthy relationships. Healthy couples make time to check in with one another on a regular basis. It’s important to talk about more than just parenting and maintaining the household, however. Try to spend a few minutes each day discussing deeper or more personal subjects to stay connected to your partner over the long term.

That doesn’t mean you should avoid bringing up difficult subjects. Keeping concerns or problems to yourself can breed resentment. When discussing tough topics, though, it pays to be kind. Researchers have found that communication style is more important than commitment levels, personality traits or stressful life events in predicting whether happily married couples will go on to divorce. In particular, negative communication patterns such as anger and contempt are linked to an increased likelihood of splitting up.2

Disagreements are part of any partnership, but some fighting styles are particularly damaging. Couples that use destructive behavior during arguments — such as yelling, resorting to personal criticisms or withdrawing from the discussion — are more likely to break up than are couples that fight constructively. Examples of constructive strategies for resolving disagreements include attempting to find out exactly what your partner is feeling, listening to his or her point of view and trying to make him or her laugh.3

Keeping it interesting

Between kids, careers and outside commitments, it can be difficult to stay connected to your partner. Yet there are good reasons to make the effort. In one study, for example, researchers found couples that reported boredom during their seventh year of marriage were significantly less satisfied with their relationships nine years later.4

To keep things interesting, some couples plan regular date nights. Even dates can get old, though, if you’re always renting a movie or going to the same restaurant. Experts recommend breaking out of the routine and trying new things — whether that’s going dancing, taking a class together or packing an afternoon picnic.

Intimacy is also a critical component of romantic relationships. Some busy couples find it helpful to schedule sex by putting it on the calendar. It may not be spontaneous to have it written in red ink, but setting aside time for an intimate encounter helps ensure that your physical and emotional needs are met.

When should couples seek help?

Every relationship has ups and downs, but some factors are more likely than others to create bumps in a relationship. Finances and parenting decisions often create recurring conflicts, for example. One sign of a problem is having repeated versions of the same fight over and over. In such cases, psychologists can help couples improve communication and find healthy ways to move beyond the conflict.

You don’t have to wait until a relationship shows signs of trouble before working to strengthen your union. Marital education programs that teach skills such as good communication, effective listening and dealing with conflict have been shown to reduce the risk of divorce.

If You need help in your life or your relationship call The Coaching Kiva: (562) 895-0516

Credit for this article goes to The Amaeican Psychological Association

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Is This Really Happening


Having a little more spice in our relationship is always good, right?  Well, I’ve decided to give you a gift.  A FREE 5-Day Mini Course called, Reignite Your Relationship! Sometimes even the best relationships could use an extra spark.

So, let me ask you…

  • Does your lover sometimes feel more like a roommate?
  • Do you feel like you’re not getting the attention you need from your partner?
  • Is your relationship good, but it could use some spicing up?

If you’ve answered “yes” to even one of these questions, then I’ve got the perfect solution for you! You’ll discover a newfound interest in your partner and have fun doing it… It’s easy…

Would you like to know how to create sparks in your relationship in just 5 days?

I’m inviting you to join my brand-new, 5-Day Mini Course called “Reignite Your Relationship!”  and it’s completely free.

Register for it now! Just click the link below.

During this easy 5-day mini course, you will…

  • Discover how to easily communicate your needs to you partner.
  • Uncover new ways to initiate intimacy.
  • Create a renewed interest in your partner.

You’ll be giving yourself and your partner gift by signing up for this FREE mini course.  You’ll create something new together, that you won’t forget!

Join “Reignite Your Relationship 5-Day Mini Course” TODAY”

Reserve your spot and I’ll send you everything you need to get started.

Dr. Wielenga


Did I mention that I’ll be giving away prizes to the participants? It will be easy and fun.

Reignite Your Relationship Now!

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The Kiss Test

I’ve not written a blog post since last year.  While organizing my business and figuring out how to serve you well, I’ve decided to post the article that you seemed to like most.   I hope you enjoy it as much as you did last year.  🙂 



Remember the Kiss Test?  If not let me refresh your memory.  A relationship coach who helps men learn how to date women came up with this.  He says that when a man wants to kiss a woman for the first time, but is not certain if she’s into him like that this is what he should do:


The Test

Touch the tip of her hair easily – ever so slightly as if the action is natural.  If she doesn’t move away he can then gently place her hair behind her ear.  If she moves her head away he should take that as an indication that she’s not ready to be kissed by them.  But if she doesn’t move away or leans in a little bit, then it’s okay to kiss her.


Isn’t that interesting?  How many of you men (or women) have done this?  How many of you women recognize this?  Leave a comment in the comment section and let me know if his tactic works.


Try This

On that note, I’d like to suggest something that women can do to help de-escalate arguments or disagreements that are on their way to getting out of hand.  When you and your partner are having a challenging time understanding each other, gently touch him (or her).  If you are standing away from them walk over and softly stroke their arm and let them know the two of you can get through this.  If you’re sitting down touch their hand or leg.  Usually this will defuse the situation and you and your partner can begin again or wait until tomorrow to have the discussion.



Studies have shown that when a couple is touching they are less inclined to quarrel than when they are not touching.  So this brings me to the topic of choice.  We can choose.  Do you want to be at odds with your partner?  If yes pops up then ask yourself how being estranged from the person you care about is serving you.  Which of your six human needs is it fulfilling?

Certainty, Variety, Significance, Love/Connection, Growth, or Contribution?


We don’t have to create or perpetuate conflict in our relationships.  There is always something that can be done.  Like kissing or touching.

(562) 895-0516

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7 Strategies to Stay Sane This Holiday Season

I wanted to eat the gingerbread men. But I read the article.  It’s necessary.  Christmas is SUNDAY!


Tiny Buddha

By Brigid Elsken Galloway
Gingerbread men

“Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.” ~Sonia Ricotti

It’s that time of year again. The fresh scent of an evergreen fills the house. Strains of “Silent Night” and “Jingle Bells” permeate the airwaves. Once again, I unpack the fragile, ceramic Santa that I made as a gift for my mom when I was five. Suddenly, I’m transported back in time—for better or for worse.

The holidays should be joyous times filled with family and friends, but sometimes the very traditions that give meaning to this season also trigger old fears, hurts, and anxieties. (And if you’re prone to Season Affective Disorder (SAD), the lack of warmth and sunshine can zap your goodwill toward men, and women, too.)

Then last year—after lots of recovery and mindfulness practice—I determined to navigate the holidays in a healthier manner. I decided to accept the reality of my Christmas crazies and choose to respond differently when things (inevitably) became stressful.

Since I was so good at making lists of gifts to buy others and errands to run and obligations to fulfill, why not make a list of ways to manage my emotional well-being? If you’re like me and tend to succumb to the holiday crazies, these strategies may help maintain your sanity, too.

1. Stock up on sanity savers.

When I went through my divorce, my therapist had me make a list of things—such as taking a hot bubble bath or calling a good friend—to do when I became anxious. Even when I’m not in all-out crisis mode, this form of self-care helps me maintain a more peaceful perspective. By thinking of these soothing activities ahead of time, I know exactly what to do when stressful situations appear.

2. Reel in expectations.

Repeat after me: “There is no such thing as a perfect holiday.” Something will go wrong. My brother-in-law will say something inappropriate at the family dinner. Gifts will get lost in the mail. The turkey will be raw in the middle. The ornaments will not all be evenly spaced on the tree—and it will be okay.

3. Keep a meltdown journal.

When something or someone inevitably pushes my buttons, I make note of it in my “meltdown” journal. I include details about what occurred before my meltdown and record if I was hungry, tired, lonely, or hormonal. Writing it all down helps me recognize patterns and also serves as a safe way to vent my frustrations.

4. Check motives at the door.

Do not, I repeat, do not give anything to anyone if you expect so much as a “thank you” in return. Seriously. One of the worst holiday meltdowns I’ve had in recent years was when a friend didn’t express (what I felt was) the proper amount of gratitude for my gift. This year, my presents may be decorated with ribbons, but they will not come with strings attached.

5. Own your inner Grinch.

If you’re feeling cranky because it seems like you always give more than your receive, or visa versa, set a limit for spending or call a truce on personal gift-giving. My very generous friends and I did this years ago, and it immediately improved my holiday spirit because I didn’t have to fret that my Christmas gifts were “good” enough.

6. Break up with tradition.

If you’re doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome, you’re going to become nuttier than a fruitcake. (Albert Einstein wasn’t necessarily talking about the holidays when he coined the definition of insanity, but it applies.)

Hearing “Jingle Bells,” the smell of gingerbread, or seeing your friends’ cheesy family photo holiday cards may inspire warm feels, or be cruel reminders of stressful, lonely times.

For example, when I was single, it was hard being the third-wheel at New Year’s Eve dinner parties, so rather than accept invitations that made me uncomfortable, I established a new tradition. New Year’s Eve became a time for quiet contemplation. (And now share that tradition with my honey.)

7. Be mindful for goodness sakes.

When anxiety strikes, it’s easy to stuff feelings, along with a mountain of sugar cookies. Over the holidays I double my effort to stock up on healthy snacks and non-alcoholic beverages. Then I post the question “Why?” on the fridge to help remind me of my motivations before I indulge. If I really want that treat, then I proceed; but if I’m eating because I’m anxious, I try to soothe  myself with a more healthy activity. (See Tip 1.)

Simply reflecting on this list, makes me aware of how the holidays can affect my mood, and helps me reclaim the festive season. Now I can revision the season as a time to be grateful for all the positive aspects of my life, and the progress I’ve made since I made the decision to release the ghosts of Christmas’ past.

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Will You Take The Challenge?   (No Complaints For One Week.)



To happily splash through the Christmas holiday without a care in the world, takes some serious planning.   It makes sense to have a strategy to implement during this heightened emotional time of year.  If you want to be prepared for the family gatherings, monitoring your unproductive habits of complaining is a great place to start.  Begin now – if you’re one who complains.


Fire Drill

Early preparation is like knowing where the emergency exits were during a fire drill in elementary school.  If you knew where they were – even if you were away from your classroom at the sound of the alarm- what you’d learned about fire safety would kick in, and you knew exactly where to go. You’d find the exit and join the mandatory, “single-file” line out-side in the safe zone.


Course of Action

Translation:  Anticipating family confrontations and having a course of action can prevent you from overreacting to something said by a family member, or from saying something hurtful.  If you decide to practice controlling your emotions, work on not taking things personally, and monitor your thoughts and words, Christmas won’t include loud arguments, nor will a disagreement result in fisticuffs.


If you’d like to join a challenge before Christmas to prepare yourself for a peaceful family dinner, open the link below and join my FREE 10-Day No Complaints Challenge.  Join the group Kiva’s Corner, then go to pinned post and join the challenge.




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Gratitude … It’s A Compounding Energy




Will you be in town or are you traveling for Thanksgiving?  I’m not sure if you’ll even have time to read this post.  Yet I’m writing it anyway  because I want to remind you that you have so much to be grateful for.  No matter your current circumstance.  I’m sure it can be easy to remember your painful past, but is that really what you want to focus on?  This is the time of year that most of us are gearing up for, right?  Then let’s decide to enjoy it.


I suggest you pull out a memory that makes you feel good when you think about it.  Try to recreate that time and the emotion you felt.  Once you do that, before you know it, you’ll be remembering another good time.  And when that happens, say thank you.  Offer gratitude to what, or whomever you’d like.  Because saying thank you is an incredible gift to give.  It changes things that we can’t see with our naked eye.  Gratitude is something that creates a vibration that builds upon itself, and I guarantee you, not only your day, but the days of others will be better for it.

Back At You

You know they’re just like a boomerang – our thoughts.  What we think comes back to us.  It seems The Universe is a trickster.   It simply … returns to sender.  What’s in our minds, are random prayers.  Did you know that?  Many of us don’t realize our thoughts are requests. When I learned that, I’d hoped it wasn’t too late.  My life wasn’t reflecting my words.  “This is what you asked for, right?”  I decided to change.

A Bouquet 

Everything must go through a gestation period.  Thoughts are seeds and once fertilized and nourished, they produce the fruit.  Yet even though things take time, it’s never too late to plant new seeds; and if you decide, you can grow flowers instead of weeds.


Gratitude:  Why not plant it?


Have a Happy Thanksgiving!





Check out The Coaching Kiva and take away whatever is free on the store page.













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Not Looking Forward To Thanksgiving? Follow These 4 Suggestions.




Thanksgiving is only nine days away!  Are you ready?  This is the time of year when we gather with family and friends to observe our most cherished traditions: sharing meals, honoring family, loved ones, and friendships; watching sports and remarking on how fast time flies.

It’s supposed to be a joyful season, but for many,  it’s a dreaded and challenging time of year.  Couples going through a breakup or divorce, or individuals remembering old conflicts with the very people they’re supposed to break bread with, can find that Thanksgiving Day is an agonizing experience.

If you’re in one of these categories, you could be there longer than you’d like. But if what I’ve described isn’t where you want to be, then it isn’t where you have to stay. You have the ability to change your perspective and focus on the reason for the day.

The change begins by asking yourself how you might regain emotional control.  Here are some strategies:

1.) Make a gratitude list. Creating a list of things you are grateful for helps you redirect your focus from the negative to the positive things in your life. The process uplifts you, reminds you of how fortunate you truly are. As positive thoughts build upon each other, you’ll feel the shift in your mood. Research by the Mayo Clinic reveals that positive thinking is linked to a wide range of health improvements, including longer life spans, less stress, less depression, better stress management and coping skills, increased physical well-being, and overall better psychological health.

2.) If you’re without your children on this holiday, appreciate the next time you have planned to see them. Look forward to their return. Meanwhile, do something for yourself that you have not had time to do.

3.) Create new traditions with your children. Fun and imaginative things that pump energy into your new life are a good idea. How about making a nontraditional Thanksgiving dinner for the day after, including everyone in the preparation? Bake cookies. Watch a fun movie. Make good memories.

4.) Forgive the person you are holding the grudge against.  Life doesn’t last that long and it’s a waste of your precious time.

Keep your focus on gratitude, as those are the thoughts that make you feel inspired and uplifted.

Carpe Diem!



Dr. Lateefah Wielenga works as a life and relationship coach and is also an energy healer. 

take a look at the website

get on the wait list for my upcoming online course.

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