Category : Blog


It’s A Matter Of Choice


Last year at one of my events I talked about our emotions and how we control them.  I said controlling our emotions is almost a simple as selecting a different pair of shoes.  I read this article today, and I thought I’d share it.

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Memorial Day sets off the season’s  Sizzling Summer fun!

So why not begin with

a Red Hot Strategy Session!


Learn how to bring back the romance and fun in your relationship,

Learn to better navigate your life, turning it into

an exciting journey.

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You Know It’s Over: So Why Are You Hanging On?

tug of warimages

Most people want to be in an intimate relationship.  It does something for their psyche.  It makes them feel safe – a part of someone – a part of something that allows them to feel they’re invincible.   Having a partner or a spouse usually satisfies at least three of the Six Human Needs, which are Certainty, Variety, Significance, Love/Connection, Growth and Contribution.  When you’re in a satisfying relationship, most if not all of these needs are met.  However, many romantic unions begin as satisfying and dissolve into less than what’s expected.

It’s Not Working

When a relationship transitions into something that’s not working, many people continue to remain in the bathetic crucible and complain that they’re unhappy.  Because you enjoy someone’s company and you share things of a common nature, doesn’t mean you’ve met your ideal mate.  If you don’t share the same life and relationship goals – if what you see beyond the imaginary horizon doesn’t match the vision of your partner, then that person’s not for you.

Hanging On

Your intuition’s been telling you that s/he is the wrong person.  You’ve been together for over three years and one of you wants a permanent commitment – to be married – and the other is happy with things being just the way they are. Steve Harvey, in his book Straight Talk, No Chaser calls this The Standoff.   Although this book is written primarily for women, because in our culture women are usually the ones who are pushing for marriage, it also applies to men.  Steve says, “Men understand why you stay.  You rationalize it’s better to keep us and be halfway happy, even if you don’t get your wedding day …than to risk being alone.”


Being in a relationship allows you to feel like you’re invincible. Yet your power and strength come from the inside.  Not from a man, a woman or a relationship.  Until you understand your worth and recognize your true power, everyone you encounter will know how you feel about YOU, and will treat you that way.  The commitment will not materialize until you’ve made the commitment to yourself.  Then you will be invincible!


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It’s All A Misunderstanding!





Couples come into my office with the complaints of feeling misunderstood, taken for granted, and unappreciated.  Some report feeling isolated or ignored because their partner has shut-down. When you feel that your partner doesn’t understand what you’re saying, many times it’s because you aren’t conveying your message in the language they speak.  It can sound to them, like you’re speaking Tagalog when they speak English. When this happens they feel they have no choice other than silence.  The result is frustration and hurt feelings – leading to sadness, anxiety, insecurity, resentment, and feeling let down.

As disappointing as this may be, communication difficulties are a part of the human experience. Think of what it must have been like when man learned to form his first sentence. We’ve come a long way yet, it’s obvious we still have ways to go.

According to PsychAlive: Psychology For Everyday Living,  “One of the biggest problems in communicating is that most couples have a basic misconception of what the purpose of communication is.  Most approach talking with a partner as a debate in which each presents a preconceived version of the reality of what is going on between the two partners.”  There’s a reason couples choose to see themselves on opposing sides, and assume rather than s know the facts.  The reason is fear.

To master the skill and the art of effective communication requires you to put forth great effort. Honestly scrutinizing your personal deficits and shortcomings includes vulnerability, and that can be frightening.  More than words, communication involves your emotions – your physiology – your courage and, your desire to have a fulfilling relationship. You must be willing to be transparent.  Even though this may seem like a daunting task, look at the challenge as an opportunity to make personal improvements. This can be a time for growth that not only benefits you – it will also benefit the relationship.

Unless you do what’s necessary to resolve some of your emotional issues, you’ll carry your pain and insecurities into your relationships – overlaying your backstory onto your current reality, driving a perpetual wedge in your relationship.


Dr. Wielenga


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How’s Your Sex Life?

confused couple

How’s your sex life?     No – really.   How is it?

Are you compelled to take another look when your man or, your woman walks by because they are so sexy to you?  Do you still desire their touch?  Does the way they smell make you want to get closer?  Think about it.  How is your sex life?

The Seed That’s Planted

Did you notice I didn’t ask about your love life?  That’s because usually love begins to develop after the seed of sex has been planted.  Once those thoughts are in the mind’s fertile soil and tended to, love pops up like a flower. Then, you’ve got to tend to that.  When you first met the person you now love, your head turned whenever they walked by because you enjoyed the way they looked.   The way they smelled intoxicated you and you couldn’t seem to keep your hands to yourself.  Wherever they were is where you wanted to be.  Love – it’s a beautiful thing.

Romantic Movie

So you were one of the lucky ones.  Finders – keepers –losers-weepers.  You’ve won!  What others long for, you’ve managed to capture.  In the beginning, all of the things you’d dreamt about were realized.  You probably couldn’t believe that you were the star of your own romantic movie.  You played out every scene in the script you’d written.  Yet, somewhere along the way, your script faded to black.  The days turned into months- turned into years-and suddenly you have a new normal; and it’s nothing like before.

A Re-Write

But since you wrote the script in the beginning of it all, I believe you can write an even better one now. If you want to get things back on track in the bedroom, try these three things when sitting down to write.

  • Find the courage to be creative and adventurous.
  • Have faith in the love that was produced by planting that sex seed.
  • Believe you’re an even better version of yourself now.

So tell me, how’s your sex life?

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5 great ways to celebrate St. Valentine’s Day!


heart tree

I was walking away from my computer when it dawned on me, this Sunday is Valentines Day!  So I’ve decided not to write my actual blog post.  Instead I’m going to suggest five cool and easy ways to spend this Sunday, which happens to be Valentine’s Day.

  • Have brunch at Claire’s which is located at the Long Beach, CA Museum of Art. It provides a wonderful ocean view and there is outside and inside seating.  The food is good and they make an exceptional Bloody Mary.  Hurry and make your reservations – people love it there!
  • The weather forecast touts temperatures in the 80’s on Valentine’s Day. Paddle Boarding or renting a Hydrobike sounds like something fun and easy to do. But be certain to yelp the Hydrobike business you plan to patronize, as I’ve read some really interesting reviews from displeased customers.  But don’t let that stop you, do your research.

Cupcake Funkday at Corks n’ Crowns  Alison Riede, creator of Sugar Cat Studio pairs Three Mini Cupcakes with Three Sparkling Wines at Corks n’ Crowns. It’s truly a unique tasting experience; most people are surprised that wine and cupcakes pair so well

You can always do something I love to do when I visit Santa Barbara.  I love to walk a Labyrinth. There a few places you can find them there so just google it.

  • And lastly, if you’d just like to keep it even simpler, consider staying around the house. Relax, and do whatever you’d like to do that day. Pretend to be away on vacation.  Turn off cell phones and stay away from facebook – if you can.


Happy Valentine’s Day!heart tree

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friends forever

By now you know there are many reasons why our friendships change once one of the connected units gets romantically involved.  It usually
has nothing to do with the close bond that’s been formed over time, but
all to do with the new energy that has arrived in the life of our friend.
We are all aware that when love enters our world, it is totally
consuming.  We can’t eat nor sleep, and what we seem to think about
most, is the person with whose love we have been injected.  Of no fault
of our own – we change.

We always need friends
Because the person closest to us seems to have become closer to
someone else, does not mean we’ve lost our place in their heart.  It
simply means we must give them time to remember there is enough
room for both of the relationships – one does not have to trump the other,
since they are different and fulfill different needs.  Last week I wrote a
quote by William Rawlins, Stocker Professor of Interpersonal
Communication at Ohio University? He said friends will always need
“somebody to talk to, someone to depend on, and someone to enjoy.”
That will forever be.  We need our friends and our friends need us.

Friends forever

When love selects someone in the friendship other than us, and a shift occurs, we take it personally.  But once we come out of the realm of our emotions and honestly consider what it’s like for most when love pays a visit, it’s easier to be understanding and to allow our friend time. When things in their life settle, you will become reacquainted with them.  Think about it.  A friendship is a nonverbal contract, a decision both or all parties have made.  We choose each other, and a friendship can be just as strong as a marriage.  Because true friendships do last “until death do we part.”

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John Lee’s six types of love

colors of love (2)

“Love is a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker” Anonymous

John Alan Lee is a 20th century Canadian psychologist who proposed the idea that there are six types of interpersonal love (three primaries and three secondaries). In his 1973 book entitled, The Colors of Love, Lee explains the six love types and assigns a color to each.

Just as there exists three primary colors in the rainbow, Lee suggested that there were three primary types of love and by combining them in different ways the six styles emerge. Here then are the six types of love as described by John Lee.

  1. Eros. From the Greek word for “erotic or passionate”; a passionate physical and emotional love based on aesthetic enjoyment; stereotype of romantic love.
  2. Ludus. From the Latin word meaning “sport or play, a love that is played as a game or sport; conquest.
  3. Storge. From the Greek word meaning “friendship”‘; an affectionate love that slowly develops from friendship, based on similarity.
  4. Pragma. From the Greek word meaning “practical”; love that is driven by the head, not the heart; practical and non-emotional.
  5. Mania. From the Greek word meaning “frenzy”; highly volatile love; obsession; fueled by low self-esteem.
  6. Agape. From the Greek word meaning “divine or spiritual”; selfless altruistic love; spiritual; true love.

The Three Primary Types of Love

Eros. (RED) Eros love refers to a type of sensual or sexual love. Eros lovers are passionate and romantic and seek out other passionate lovers. They thrive on the tantalizing nature of love and sex. They have an ideal mate in their mind’s eye and believe there is only one true love in the world for them. Sexual activity usually occurs early on in the relationship and the sex is passionate and exciting. Once sexual activity takes place, the Eros lover is usually monogamous.

Ludus. (BLUE) This love is playful, flirtatious and carefree. Ludus lovers do not care much about commitment as having fun and being spontaneous. Variety is the spice of life and for them the more partners the better. Ludus lovers do not share intimacy; love for a Ludus person is fun, easy, and nonchalant.

Storge. (YELLOW) This can best be described as “friendship love” or a type of affection that grows over time. Passion and sex are less important than friendship and intimacy. This type of love begins as friendship and evolves to romance and sex.

The Three Secondary Types of Love

Mania (VIOLET) “Eros + Ludus” Jealousy, envy, and control are the hallmark traits of manic lovers. Manic love is frenzied, agitated, hectic, and chaotic. The highs are very high and the lows are very low making the relationship like a roller coaster ride of emotions. When a manic relationship ends, the manic lover is unable to think about anything but their lost love.

Pragma (GREEN) “Ludus + Storge” Practicality and logic guide this type of love. With pragma love, the costs and benefits are carefully weighed before entering into a relationship. It is non-emotional and based on certain criteria like education level, religious beliefs, and social status.

Agape. (ORANGE) “Eros + Storge” Agape love is selfless, enduring, and unconditional. It is a love that provides intrinsic satisfaction. Inherent in agape love is patience, kindness, and permanence. Agape is considered the purest and truest form of love.

Source material:,, Wikipedi

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Is There A Reason For The Change? Part II

best friends

Last week I wrote about how friendships shift, once marriage or a romantic relationship enters the equation.  I know you didn’t think things were going to remain the same forever, but you probably didn’t have a clue that things would be shaken up like this!  Even though your world is now different and the dust has settled, there are probably some aspects of your friendship that you would like to hold on to.   Consequently, once in a committed relationship – marriage or cohabitation –things are no longer the same.  It’s sad to say, but those are the breaks.  If you feel you are experiencing a devastating loss, and you think you have cause to mourn – then have at. But don’t throw in the towel just yet.  It may not be necessary.

It’s nothing personal:

If this has happened or, is happening to you, let me offer a fact that may help to ease your pain.  It’s not your fault!  When your best friend falls in love with someone, it has nothing to do with you. Their love only involves them, which is one of the reasons you may feel alienated.  The focus is no longer on your friendship.  The attention is now on their new relationship.  If it seems all your friend talks about is their new romantic situation, you’re not imagining it.  That is really a-l-l    t-h-e-y    t-a-l-k    a-b-o-u-t.

Changing of the guards:

Research shows that once a romantic relationship begins the friendship energy starts to end or transform.  That doesn’t mean that your bestie doesn’t love you, it just means their  partner has taken priority.  Your friend still considers you a valuable part of their life they just don’t have as much time now that cupid came to call.  Even though this portion of your journey together is over, another one has begun to blossom.  According to William Rawlins, Stocker Professor of Interpersonal Communication at Ohio University, friends will always need “Somebody to talk to, someone to depend on, and someone to enjoy.”   And I agree with him!

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Blog The Coaching Kiva

Is There A Reason For The Change?

Love changes life images

Question:  Do you become a different person once in a romantic relationship?  If so – why?

While having dinner with a dear friend a few nights ago, I asked her what she would like to read about in my Coaching Kiva blog.  She said she is interested in people’s behaviors – why they do the things they do.  When I asked her to be more specific, she began telling me how she is experiencing feelings of abandonment since many of her friends have married.  She told me they no longer call, come by or, spend time with her.


Today, as I considered the conversation we had, I decided to ask another woman I know if she agrees with my friend.  The woman said she thinks the reasons for the change in behaviors once many people become romantically linked, may be based on the type of relationship they’ve had with them.  People see us in ways we may not imagine.  We may simply be fulfilling a need for them that is very different from the need they are fulfilling for us.

Types of friendships:

There are people we think about calling when we want to party, because they’re fun.  Then, there are those we call to pass the time because we’re bored.   Lastly, there are the ones we consider our friends.  Those are the people we know we can really count on – the ones we can trust, and we genuinely like to be around.  These are the people we truly consider friends.  We enjoy going clothes shopping with them, we like to spend lazy Sunday afternoons at the movies or watching a game with them.  With these people, we welcome having honest meaningful conversations.  They get us and we love them for it.


So, the reasons why some of our friends’ behaviors change once they become romantically linked may be because they don’t consider the relationship a bonafide friendship.

We are possibly fulfilling a need that is not in the friendship category.

  • Remember:
    • We all have different needs that we are trying to meet.
    • Know what type of relationship you’re in.
    • Enjoy it for what it is.
    • If you’re not getting what you need – have a conversation with that person.
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