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Blog The Coaching Kiva

Doing That Thing You Do (Redux)

Here’s a very simple idea for strengthening your relationship. It comes from many things I have written over the years about healthy sacrifices in relationships and marriage.

I think we all know of little things we could do that are good for our relationships that we are not likely to do on any given day. My emphasis on “little things” is very important. On most days, there are too many obstacles in the way of doing big things. Of course, big things are great to do from time to time, but big sacrifices require big opportunities that are rare. Small sacrifices do not require big opportunities. They are thoroughly and routinely doable.

If you want to apply this idea to your own relationship this week, here’s a little exercise for you. Take a few minutes of quiet time and think about some of the things you have done in the past for your partner that fit these characteristics.

1.  It is something under your control.

2.  It is something small that you can decide to do just about any day or week you want.

3.  It is something that you know is good for your relationship and that your partner tends to like.

4.  It is something you are NOT all that likely to do today or this week, even though you very well could.

Go ahead and write a few ideas down.

Challenge time. Commit to yourself to do one or two of the things you wrote down in the coming week.  Not 10. One or two. Develop some way to remind yourself and get after it.  Don’t tell your partner what you are doing, just do it. Your partner may or may not notice everything but he or she will probably notice some of these things. But that’s not the point, really. The point is doing a few small things that are good for your relationship. Your relationship will be stronger for it.

If that works for you, try this idea out for a number of weeks (there’s not really any great reason to stop).

It’s point number 4 that really puts this idea into the realm of small but meaningful sacrifice. That’s because you are recognizing in yourself that you are not likely to do this very simple thing that you know your partner appreciates. You have to decide to go out of your way, a tiny bit, to follow through.

It’s not the thought that counts. Ideas that are never put into action may be thoughtful but they are not effective. Your mission is to do something.

*This article was written on March 10, 2015, by Scott Stanley, Ph.D. for his blog, Sliding vs Deciding: Scott Stanley’s Blog.

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Is There A Reason For The Change?

Love changes life images

Question:  Do you become a different person once in a romantic relationship?  If so – why?

While having dinner with a dear friend a few nights ago, I asked her what she would like to read about in my Coaching Kiva blog.  She said she is interested in people’s behaviors – why they do the things they do.  When I asked her to be more specific, she began telling me how she is experiencing feelings of abandonment since many of her friends have married.  She told me they no longer call, come by or, spend time with her.


Today, as I considered the conversation we had, I decided to ask another woman I know if she agrees with my friend.  The woman said she thinks the reasons for the change in behaviors once many people become romantically linked, may be based on the type of relationship they’ve had with them.  People see us in ways we may not imagine.  We may simply be fulfilling a need for them that is very different from the need they are fulfilling for us.

Types of friendships:

There are people we think about calling when we want to party, because they’re fun.  Then, there are those we call to pass the time because we’re bored.   Lastly, there are the ones we consider our friends.  Those are the people we know we can really count on – the ones we can trust, and we genuinely like to be around.  These are the people we truly consider friends.  We enjoy going clothes shopping with them, we like to spend lazy Sunday afternoons at the movies or watching a game with them.  With these people, we welcome having honest meaningful conversations.  They get us and we love them for it.


So, the reasons why some of our friends’ behaviors change once they become romantically linked may be because they don’t consider the relationship a bonafide friendship.

We are possibly fulfilling a need that is not in the friendship category.

  • Remember:
    • We all have different needs that we are trying to meet.
    • Know what type of relationship you’re in.
    • Enjoy it for what it is.
    • If you’re not getting what you need – have a conversation with that person.
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About The Coaching Kiva


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get the girl script

Well, maybe not tonight but certainly sometime really soon!

Hi, my name is Dr. Lateefah Wielenga, founder of The Coaching Kiva (formerly The Coaching Kitchen) and I am a Co-Creator. I help men create wonderful, lasting relationships with beautiful, interesting, loving women.

I know many of you guys have been stumped when it comes to approaching that beautiful, sexy women you’ve had your eye on – or that has been standing right in front of you. You’ve probably thought “Man she’s hot. I’d really like to talk to her.” But for some reason you just didn’t follow through. You didn’t go up to her and start a conversation – you didn’t ask her name – you never even asked for her number.

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