The Anima and The Animus

I obtained my Ph.D from Pacifica Graduate Institute almost a decade ago. That was the best educational experiences I could have ever imagined. I went on in my career, following a path that’s taken me on an adventure! It’s been an unpredictable journey. One of the places I landed is, The Coaching Kiva- my private practice.

I work as a Coach – I help change lives, save marriages, and improve relationships. I never expected I’d be here, but I am. I’ve found, along the way, that one of the reasons couples fight, misunderstand each other, and sometimes go their separate ways – is because they have communication breakdowns. The primary reason for that is they haven’t learned to speak to the SOUL of their partner. Communicating at that level is simple once you have, and, apply the tools.

My program at Pacifica was in Depth Psychology, a Jungian based program. I learned about the syzygy, and the effects of The Anima and The Animus in the lives, and relationships of men and women, or same sex couples. The entire concept is interesting and a bit mysterious.

If you’er interested you can learn more about it in this 32 powerpoint presentation. I hope you learn from this and apply it when communicating with the person in your life.

Dr. Wielenga

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Romantic Relationships

Six Types of Love – Which Ones Are Right for You?

Now that we know what the Six Types of Love are and the details of each one, it is time to start understanding which types you project in your relationship, which ones you want out of your partner, and if you have a partner, which ones they project. Do you know your love types yet?

This is the final post in our series wrapping up the Six Types of Love from John Alan Lee’s book The Colors of Love. If you missed any of the series, you can start at the beginning by reading an earlier blog post called John Lee’s six types of love.

Understanding each type of love in your relationship will help you and your partner understand each other, and what you are expecting from the other person. If those expectations don’t line up, it will cause problems between the two of you. However, understanding your partner’s love type, you will learn to expect what they naturally project.

This can also make searching for a partner a bit easier. Knowing what love type you are and what you want in a partner can help you find someone you are more compatible with. Typically you would be looking for Eros, Storge, or Agape love. These three are the healthiest love types. You can also look for Pragma love if you know you want to find someone for who makes a certain amount money, for political reasons, or who is strategic to help you build the life you want to build.

So now that you have a better understanding of the Six Types of Love, it’s time to go out there and apply it to your life.

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Romantic Relationships

Six Types of Love – Mania and Agape

Why is it important to know the six types of love? What does it have to do with you? Well, knowing this helps you to understand where your feelings are coming from. If you find yourself in love with someone, but you’re confused about your interaction in the relationship, you both may be experiencing a different type of love.

The last two types of love from John Alan Lee’s book The Colors of Love in which he talks about Six Types of Love are Mania and Agape. If you missed the last articles about this topic, be sure to watch this video first: Six Types of Love – Eros and Ludus.

So what is Mania? Simply it is a possessive type of love. It when someone is extremely obsessive and show a lot of jealousy in the relationship. Even though it may feel good sometimes to have someone feel this way about you, it can be very dangerous. Possessive people can get angry, physical or even abusive. Mania lovers can become stalkers when the relationship ends, not allowing the other person to leave or be with anyone else. It is important to avoid this type of love.

The last love type is Agape love. This is universal spiritual love. It is not a sexual attraction to someone, it is the type of love you feel towards your fellow man or woman, your friends, your family. It is important to feel this not only for those around you, but also your partner in combination with other types of love.

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Romantic Relationships

Six Types of Love – Storge and Pragma

I enjoy sharing the Six Types of Love with you. The reason for that is, so many people are unaware of them. They believe when they find love, usually by way of Eros-the romantic love, then that’s all there is. Love is so much more. The next two types of love are Storge and Pragma.

Here is the next video in a series about John Alan Lee’s book The Colors of Love in which he talks about Six Types of Love. If you missed the last article about Eros and Ludus love, be sure to watch that video first: Six Types of Love – Eros and Ludus.

This video we are talking first about Storge Love. This type of love usually occurs when you and your partner are friends first. You fall in love with your best friend and begin a relationship together. You enjoy being with each other always and get along really well, but the infatuation may be a little lacking. Sex tends to feel less passionate, but still happens and can eventually become more passionate with some work.

Pragma love feels more like a business relationship. Two people come together because they have the same goals and their views align really well so it seems like a good fit. People on the outside may feel like you two are perfect for each other because you have very similar qualities or have similar jobs, but the actual infatuation and love for each other is a bit lacking. Sex occurs but because it feels like you are supposed to, not because you want to, there is usually not a lot of spontaneity there. This type of relationship can and does work for a lot of people, but usually begins to fade or even fall apart later in the relationship, once kids are grown up and a lot of the goals you had have been accomplished.

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Romantic Relationships

Six Types of Love – Eros and Ludus

There are more types of love than that of the romantic. There are at least six types of love. What does the love you have for your partner feel like to you? I’m going to talk about two of the six types of love. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this…

I’ve talked before about John Alan Lee’s book The Colors of Love in which he talks about Six Types of Love. If you haven’t read that article explaining what the six types are yet, I encourage you to do that now: John Lee’s six types of love.

Eros love is that romantic, sexy, lustful primal love. It is usually the first type of love we fall into, when there is an infatuation and deep connection with the other person. This is a healthy type of love that we all strive to feel for another person.

Ludus love is an unhealthy type of love. It is when you are in the relationship because you feel love for a person, but they look at the relationship as a game or a conquest. It is a sport to them and you are the prize. This creates an unbalanced relationship and you will inevitably get hurt.

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Romantic Relationships

What are your Love Languages?

What lets you know you’re loved by your partner? Is it a walk on the beach, a new car, a homemade meal? Is what makes you feel loved, what you give to your partner to inform them of your love for them? If that’s what you’re doing, I’ve got something for you. Have a listen…

Gary Chapman wrote the book The Five Love Languages that describe 5 ways to to express and experience love in our lives. Everyone expresses their love to their loved ones differently, but a lot of problems arise when a person expresses their love in a way that their partner doesn’t understand.

For instance if you express your love through gift giving, but your partner doesn’t really care about receiving gifts and wants to experience love through affirmations, they may feel unloved because they don’t receive enough affirmations from you. In turn you will get frusterated at your partner because they get upset with the lack of ‘love’ that you show.

However understanding that your parter experiences love through affirmations, you can then work on giving them what they need, creating a much more loving relationship.

If you do this excercise with your partner and better understand how you both express and experience love you can begin the process of better communication and a healthier relationship.

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Self Love

Finding Self-Acceptance

girl looking in the mirror and loving who she sees

Fear doesn’t have to control us. We all experience fear and anxiety in certain situations, some more than others, but it is our self worth and how we think about ourselves that drives us. We have talked before about the Four Components of Self-Love and how honesty, faith, trust and courage helps you realize who are, and love that person. Well now we are going dive a little deeper into each of these things to understand how they will bring you closer to finding self-acceptance.

It doesn’t take just one or two of these components, we need all for to finally come to the place of self-acceptance and self-love. When you love yourself you will be stronger about not accepting the things that are not good for you. You can stand up for yourself and say no to the things that you aren’t sure about or don’t want in your life.

Only you can change you. You have to go inside and do these things yourself. Have the courage to be honest with yourself about yourself. Have faith that you are not alone. Trust in the work that you are doing is working, that everything is going to be ok, and that you are better than ok.

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Self Love

Four Components to Self-Love

Many times, we just can’t wait to delve into a relationship.  You don’t want to wait.  You want instant gratification!  Right?  Have you been that person?  Does this sound like you?  Do you want to be in a relationship so badly you can taste it?  Well before you jump in, make sure you have your bases covered with these the four components to self-love.

It takes time to learn yourself, but when you learn to love yourself and who you are, you don’t feel like you have to be hasty and run into something you aren’t sure about. But when you are afraid of not being enough, then we begin to do things out of desperation, and that is not a good thing.

Finding self love is like walking a labyrinth, when you get to that place you don’t feel like you are not enough, and don’t care about what others think about you.

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Romantic Relationships

Avoid the Honey Jar

Jar of Honey - Avoid the Honey Jar

Two keys to a successful relationship are patience, and communication. If you’re in a relationship ask yourself if you’re patient. Do you have sufficient communication skills? It takes time to learn someone else. And when in a relationship that’s going to grow, it’s imperative to communicate openly. Jumping into a serious relationship too soon, may cause unnecessary complications. Love is sweet, but it can be sticky – like honey. You want to avoid the Honey Jar.

It’s great to be in love, but take your time with the other person and don’t jump straight into any relationship. Jumping in too deeply, too quickly is messy. With time you can learn that person for the first time or all over again and they can learn about you.

Not jumping into the Honey Jar is being kind to yourself because there may be repercussions into being too hasty. Too many people get hurt or blindsided by something in a persons life they didn’t expect, and by going slowly you can avoid learning about something too late.

If you would like to read more stories and learn more about the Honey Jar you can find my eBook on on Amazon at:

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Romantic Relationships

Be Kind to Your Partner

Couple hugging each other - Be Kind to Your Partner

So many things can happen in a day that can change your life forever. The decisions you make are lasting ones. You may not think about the consequences when you’re behaving in a certain way (positive or negative), but the effect is always permanent until it changes. My suggestion to you is to be kind – to yourself and to your partner. Take a listen …

Great relationships are built on communication. But having great communication means that you know how to be kind to your partner, even when you don’t agree on something.

Be kind to the person that you spend time with, that you live with, and that you love, especially if you have children. Children pick up what they see going on around them, not what you say.

Touch your partner often. Physical touch tells your partner that you are happy with them and want to be with them. If there is a void in your relationship or are in an argument and want to move on, placing your hand on their arm or leg can help calm them down and open up the line of communication.

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