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Do You Have The Nerve To Accept This Challenge?

If you think you can go one week- 7 days- without complaining, then join my FREE No Complaints Challenge that begins on Monday, December 10th.    Once you do this challenge, you’ll learn to become mindful of your thoughts, what’s really important, how to avoid conflicts, and that happiness and kindness are what really matter.  You’ll get into the ease and flow of life! 😉

Instructions will be emailed to you each morning.  You will post your experiences to the group, Path to Amazing Breakthroughs: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1089852577873254/?ref=br_rs and you will get the takeaway of each day in the group at the end of the day.

Group members will learn from your posted experiences of the challenge, and you’ll learn from theirs. The person who participates in the challenge daily, and posts daily will win First Prize.  The second prizes goes to the person who participates at least six days and posts:

  1. Grand prize is a free coaching session with Dr. Wielenga, worth $375.00 the
  2. Second prize is Free PowerPoint slides of The Yin and Yang of Love
  3. Each participant will receive the triad-How to rid depression or any other negative emotion.

To join the challenge, you must contact Lateefah at drw@coachingkiva.com.  Please include your first name and the country, city or state so we’ll know to factor that into the challenge.  This also makes it possible for us to send you daily instructions.

Good luck to you!

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The Five Things That A Man Needs To Feel Loved.

 

Although everyone’s different, we are more alike than not.  And for reasons that are too lengthy for this blog post, I’ll just say that it seems the fundamentals are the same.

Some of you may know what a man needs to feel loved – but for those of you who aren’t clear on the matter, listen-up!

For many men, to be emotionally engaged in a relationship is a challenge.  Expressing feelings and emotions is uncharted territory, since they’ve been taught not to express their emotions because their role is to be tough, be in charge, and take control.  When men need to process what’s happening within the relationship and within themselves, many of them make it an inside job. Though you may feel left out, believe me – it’s not about you.

Here’s a list of five things men need to feel loved.

  1. Space

Usually women are nurturers in a relationship, and they want to create a connection.  Oftentimes the connection they’re attempting to create leaves the man feeling overwhelmed, as he needs time to first process information and feelings.   He begins to feel pressured to make an immediate emotional connection, which leads to miscommunication and strife.  Observe him and what he needs, you’ll be happy you did.

2. Affection

Although men are supposed to be strong and sometimes seem emotionless, that’s a façade. Society has placed pressure on men to play that role, when men – like women- need to feel loved and cared for.  Most men naturally have the need to provide, but once that need is fulfilled, they need love.  Maslow’s hierarchy of needs theory says that for love and belonging to occur, first the physiological and safety needs to be fulfilled. Men need to be shown affection.  Touch them, kiss them, and look into his eyes when your saying something complimentary to him.  Under the rigid exterior of a man, there lives a little boy who wants and needs to feel loved.

3. Respect

In 1967 when Aretha Franklin sang this song, Respect and made it a hit record, her voice wasn’t the only reason it did so well. The lyrics will forever ring true – especially when it comes to a man feeling loved by his woman.  One of the ways you can make an emotional connection with your man is to clearly demonstrate you respect the decisions he makes (if you truly do), and respect his work ethics and accomplishments.  When a man makes an effort to succeed, he needs your support. He needs to know that you respect him.

4. Understanding

It’s not a rarity to hear men and woman say they feel like they’re speaking a different language.  Sometimes they are, when they’re coming from their gender positions.  Men and women are different.  Until you get to really know your partner, you’ll find yourself feeling like you can’t live with him, and you can’t live without him.  You’ll understand your man better when you accept his maleness and appreciate that he’s different from you.  Let him be himself without criticizing.  Remember there’s a little boy in him, and a little girl in you.

5. Sex

 

I put this last, despite the fact that it could have been first. ? women feel love emotionally, while men feel love physically. That’s one of the first things they think about because that’s the way their made.  The primary way men feel loved is by having sex with the person they love, that’s how they feel connected.  If you’re able to create the emotional connection you need, and giving him the physical connection he needs, everyone wins.

If you have any questions, or would just like to call and chat:

drw@coachingkiva.com

calendly.com/dr-lateefah-wielenga

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… And I Don’t Even Know You.

 

The true meaning of intimacy isn’t sex.  That comes after the honest sharing.  True intimacy is eye to eye – soul to soul; which allows each person to feel seen and known.  Often-times, people begin relationships backwards – sex first, then intimacy.  Getting to know the person first usually results in more exploration and the desire to commit. The media sometimes gives only the romantic version of relationships, emphasizing the physical aspects of what it means to be close to someone. Couples that know how to explore other boundaries of satisfaction may have a better chance of staying together.

 

Research done by Dr. Aniki Debrot and Dr. Amy Mulse, emphasizes the importance of emotional connections experienced with both partners.  “Affection and quality of the connection with a partner are a crucial part of the positive effects of sex in romantic relationships.”

 

After conducting four different studies on comparing the positive and negative effects of affection, each experiment had the same results.  Partners reported high levels of relationship satisfaction when they expressed their intimacy for each other – using random acts of love. Cooking for each other, surprise dates, or even cleaning up the house.  When there was a lack of intimacy it caused relationship distress (most common reasons couples seek therapy).

How do you gain intimacy in your relationship?  Here are a few suggestions:

  1. Talk openly
  2. Keep it interesting
  3. Express your wants, needs, and desires.

Talking openly

Communication is a key piece of healthy relationships.  Healthy couples build a structure of language to help each other on a daily basis.  Example: It’s vital to communicate about maintaining the house, or who’s responsible for dinner on Monday nights.  Set time aside to discuss feelings and emotions that are important to you.  This will help you remain connected to your partner and grow together, over time.

Keep it interesting

To keep things interesting, satisfy number 2 of the six human needs – Uncertainty.  Create some variety and excitement in your relationship.  I always recommend you step out of your comfort zone and attempt new things; which may include, going to the theater, taking an extended day trip, or packing a romantic picnic.

Express your needs, wants, and desires

This is where it my become a bit uncomfortable, especially if you have masked self-worth issues.  Allowing your partner or, your potential partner to know what you expect from them and the relationship is crucial.  This is where you become transparent, and you may feel vulnerable.  Yet, this stage is necessary if you want a strong and sustainable relationship.  You both must know the needs, wants and desires of the other.

Here are some tips that can help you navigate these waters if you’re just starting out or, if your relationship needs a lift:

  1. Wait for sex if you’re just starting a relationship.
  2. Bid your time and practice discipline.
  3. Get to know your potential mate before you take the next step.
  4. Take a risk in terms of being spontaneous.
  5. Get your ego out of the way, it’s not on the side of happiness.
  6. See your partner through fresh eyes.

If you’d like to know more, you can contact me for a discovery session.  Click the link: https://coachingkiva.com/discovery-session/

Dr. Wielenga

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If You Correct Your Mind …

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Confidence. Why You Need It And How To Get It.

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When’s the Last Time You’ve Been Touched … Like That?

You know?  The touch that puts goose bumps on your arms and butterflies in your belly.  The kind that sometimes puts you in a trance and you just don’t want to move, because it feels so good.   Like that.  When’s the last time you’ve been touched?

Back in the day in my neighborhood, the word we’d use to describe the person who piqued our interest was, fine.   “Girl, he’s so fine.”  The guys would say, “Man, she’s fine.”  Then we’d begin to run down a detailed description of how they looked.  A dissection of the hair, to the feet.  That person was fine.

Today they say hot, and that translates to beautiful, pretty, sexy, handsome, or desirable.  It’s all the same.  Fine.  I remember the tingles those conversations brought.  We were young, and the idea of love and sex was exciting!  But what about now?  Now that you’re all grown up, and you have your partner, and perhaps children, is there still excitement? Does your long-term partner, still have the sex appeal that lured you to them when you first met?  Remember how just imagining their touch made you nervous with anticipation?  Is that still happening?  Does their scent make you want to get closer?  Think about it.  When’s the last time you’ve been touched … like that?

The Disconnect

If you noticed I didn’t ask about your love life.  I went straight to the physical aspect, because the love between you and your partner is probably still strong (fingers crossed).   Yet, one of the first things that evaporates in a great relationship is physical intimacy.  Yes, having sex.  The disappearance of that action seems to have happened on an invisible plane since, one day it’s just gone.   You realize the connection’s gone too.   Then blame, or guilt enters the room, and one person asks the other, “When’s the last time we had sex?”

Sex acts as the glue that helps to keep you connected.  It’s the magic that causes the twinkle in your eyes.   When you first met your mate, it may have been like looking through a kaleidoscope.  Everything was exciting, and love had so many variations you stayed, and the two of you created a life together.   With time, the colors started to fade.  Careers, children, the house.  The disconnect.

Re-connection

But things can change for the better. You still love each other, you just stopped paying attention.  When you first met your partner, your head turned whenever they walked by.  The way they smelled intoxicated you, and when the two of you were together, you couldn’t seem to keep your hands to yourself.  Wherever they were is where you wanted to be.  Right?  You can re-create those time, by re-activating your sexy.  Reach into your bag of shared secrets and remember who you’re with.  Decide to shake things up.  Have sex!

If you want to be touched like that again, you’ve got to bring in the glue, and find the magic that makes your eyes twinkle.  Remember these four things:

  1. Be creative and adventurous.
  1. Believe you’re an even better version of yourself now.
  2. Have fun again.
  3. Don’t be shy

So, tell me, are you ready to be touched …like that?

Dr. Lateefah Wielenga

(562) 895-0516

https://coachingkiva.com/work-with-me/

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Stop Kicking Your Own Ass: Put that foot forward!

Stop Kicking Your Own Ass.  I know it sounds pretty harsh, but aren’t you sick of it?  Really, aren’t you ready for change? I know I was, and that’s when I Stopped Kicking My Own Ass and Put That Foot Forward. You can do it too.

I’ve finally found a system that helped me make a transformation, and now I use that same system with my clients. I’m not talking about a 1-2-3 poof system.  I’m talking about something real.  Say you’re ready to end the struggle and your life can begin to change NOW.

I know it can be hard.  Your life – your relationship – just everything.  You don’t want to talk about it because you don’t like the way it makes you feel.  I know.  I call it The Struggle, because your life isn’t turning out the way you’d planned. And you just keep kicking your own ass!

So why not put that foot forward and step out on faith toward change?  You only have EVERYTHING to gain.

Just say you’re ready and we’ll begin the journey together.  Listen to what Tiffani has to say:

https://coachingkiva.com/praise/

To get through any struggle or complication, you must first be willing to face the challenge, and that takes the desire to stop kicking your own ass.  This journey takes courage, confidence, and no excuses!

You Ready?  Sign up by clicking the link below.  Let’s get started.

(562) 895-0516

Dr. Wielenga

https://coachingkiva.com

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Yeah, I Said It!

You’ve got to become proactive in your children’s lives, in terms of aligning with whom, and where they are in their lives NOW!  Considering what you know about teens using drugs, alcohol – the suicide rate, and now social media addiction – there’s no room for guilt, shame or, blame.  Now is the time for your presence, for your patience, and for your support.

I know you’re really busy providing for your family, taking care of the kids at home, or both.  Yet, you’ve got to find the time to spend as a family.  It can be a struggle, but it’s imperative you carve out the time to engage with your kids, be a stealthy observer, and let them know you’re listening.  I know they’re your priority, but sometimes they’re not so sure.

Couples, and single parents who exhibit stable, healthy relationships are usually the parents who – when finding time for ‘family-time’ – tend to enjoy the hours shared as a cohesive unit. When parents are engaged in healthy, loving relationships, and when single parents are happy and healthy in their lives, you’re modeling happiness and emotional health.  Spending time with your kids helps to maintain the trust created when they were infants.  Your children must trust you if they’re going to discuss serious issues with you, such as drugs, alcohol, sexual questions, and problems in their social lives.

You may be inclined to believe your child would never participate in activities such as using drugs, or alcohol.  You may not want to consider your child being so unhappy they’ve considered suicide.  Now is the time to Wake-up!  Consider all of what you don’t want to consider about your child a possibility – for their sake.  However, having open, honest conversations with your children, while listening attentively without judgment or ridicule, is one of the ways that leads to discovery and support for your child.

This happens easiest when you and your child are involved in a, loving, healthy relationship.  Research shows that modeling a healthy marriage, or lifestyle for your children can also help them avoid negative life experiences. Children whose parents are in a healthy marriage, or single parents experiencing healthy lifestyles are:

  • Less likely to attempt or commit suicide
  • Less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol
  • Less likely to be a victim of physical or sexual abuse
  • Less likely to cause or experience teen pregnancy

If you find you’re having the slightest difficulty in your marriage or in your life, seek professional guidance now.  Call The Coaching Kiva  (562) 895-0516

Lateefah Wielenga, PhD

www.coachingkiva.com

drw@coachingkiva.com

 

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Walking the Labyrinth to Self-Love

 

“Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” Bernice Johnson Reagon

When I began to realize many people in committed relationships find it challenging to be honest and authentic with their partners, I began to question my clients to understand what was happening.  I discovered that vulnerability and transparency, two crucial components of true intimacy, were the biggest challenges.  People disclosed that they feared being ridiculed or rejected if they were seen by the ones they loved.  What came from that finding was my first book, The Honey Jar: Tips and tools for couples…, which includes my formula for finding self-love.  Before we can experience a true and loving relationship, we must accept ourselves just the way we are, and self-acceptance/self-love is a challenge in and of itself – it’s like walking a labyrinth.

Formula: Courage, Faith, Trust, Honesty

Courage

Self-love requires courage.  It takes courage to be yourself, allowing your mate to see you. That can’t really happen if you’re not authentic.  When you’re afraid that your partner may not feel the same way about you, once they learn your other facets, then consider yourself lucky. That person isn’t your “Person.”

Faith

Did you know that every time you conspire negative feelings about yourselves or your capabilities, you deny there’s an Infinite Intelligence, (God, Source, The Universe) that created us, and breathes us each day?  Although you can’t see it, it’s here and it has your back.  That – is what we have faith in.  Our higher power.  The quote below is from The Honey Jar, stated by one of my former students.

“Faith can hold us together and tear us apart.  The day I found faith within myself was the day I gave up.  I gave up trying to be someone I wasn’t, trying so hard to please others, and moreover, I gave up on the belief that something was wrong with me.”

Trust

Once you have faith, there’s trust.  Trust and faith go hand in hand, as they are twin components operating on different planes.  Trust is on a human, horizontal level of emotions, and feelings.  It works in this dimension, we trust in people or things.  We trust in our faith as we navigate the world on our journey.  You’ve got to trust that you’re good enough.

Honesty

Honesty in all relationships is the foundation of any relationship, especially the one you have with yourself.  Until you can lay all your cards on the table, and look yourself in the eye when it’s just you and You, there’s work that must be done. “Self -love requires you to be honest about your current choices and thought patterns and undertake new practices that reflect self-worth.” (Caroline kirk)

Tips:

  1. Have Faith in a higher power,
  2. Trust in yourself,
  3. Have the Courage to face you’re your fears
  4. The ability to be honest with yourself,

This is the formula that will take you to the center of the labyrinth, where you’ll find self-acceptance, which equals self-love.

Lateefah

For a Discovery Session with Dr. Wielenga click the link below

https://coachingkiva.com/discovery-session/

The Coaching Kiva  (562) 895-0516

drw@coachingkiva.com

 

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FOUR SIMPLE SECRETS TO A GREAT RELATIONSHIP!

 

You know, the reason I started working with couples is because my own relationship failed.  We were great together when things were going well, yet we didn’t know how to get through those tough times-when thigs were not going well. Those were the times when we weren’t great together.

That was over 20 years ago, and since then I’ve become an expert on, the subject of relationships, male & female interaction, and communication.

I work with couples – people wanting to be in a relationship, and those who are heart-broken and coming out of them.  Believe it or not, there’s a common thread between all those phases of relationships.  I began to see this a few months after I begin working with couples.

 

LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

I realized that people were looking to their partners for love, and happiness.  Completion.  You must first look to yourself for love and happiness.  Now this may sound like it makes no sense, but it’s exactly true.  There is no way your partner can make you happy or make you – love you.  Many people enter a relationship expecting to be given these components by their partner.  However, when this occurs, the relationship is in jeopardy.  Going into a relationship with the wrong expectation of what’s to come – in terms of acquiring love and happiness from your significant other – is not fair to the other person.  Your partner can, and will add happiness to your life, and can and will offer love, which generates loving feelings.  But that’s all they can do.  In a healthy relationship, couples complement each other.  When you’re happy, happiness flow through your relationship.  When you have self-love, it’s easier to accept the love of your partner, which makes for a loving relationship.  Self-love and personal happiness is your responsibility.

 

THE COMMON THREAD

I will reiterate. Self-love and personal happiness are your responsibilities.  The common thread I’ve seen throughout the years, is one of lack of personal development.  There’s been no personal growth.  Somewhere along the path, many people have simply stopped.  Smackdab in the middle of their lives, they’ve failed to move.  They’ve frozen.  They’ve allowed their minds to go numb, and they’re closed to new ideas.  They appear to have discontinued thinking for themselves and would much rather hand “it” over to someone else.  “It” being their lives.

Example:  Let’s call him Charlie.  Charlie’s been going to school for quite some time.  Once he obtained his academic goals, he began the rat-race of life.  Working his dream job, marrying the hot girl, moving up the ladder of success.  With a lovely wife, three beautiful children, a vacation home on the beach, and disposable income – Charlie’s made it.  Yet, when Charlie came into my office, his problems (according to him) were his wife.  He wasn’t happy and wasn’t sure he loved her anymore…

 

THE ACTUAL PROBLEM

After our initial 90-minute session, Charlie realized he hadn’t been in motion. He had been stifled.  He hadn’t done anything to continue his personal, or spiritual growth.  Stagnation convinced him he was no longer in love with his wife, and that she was the cause for his unhappiness.   In actuality, the only person that had anything to do with Charlie’s unhappy feelings, was Charlie.  You see, he had stayed in the same place he was in when he completed his original life goals.  Charlie didn’t continue to grow.  He found himself blaming his wife for everything that had to do with his need to develop himself. We all need consistent Personal Development.

 

 FOUR SIMPLE SECRETS TO  A GREAT RELATIONSHIP!

  1. Absorb Yourself in Personal Development Books.
  2. It Begins Within – Meditation helps you to reach your center.
  3. Treat your relationship like it’s a new relationship.
  4. Appreciate & Respect your partner.

Try these 4 simple secrets for the next 30 days and see how your relationship shifts.

Let me know your experience by leaving a comment at https://coachingkiva.com/contact/

Facebook group: The #1 Love Doctor  https://www.facebook.com/search/top/?q=the%20%231%20love%20doctor 

Dr. Wielenga

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